Day 125 Have the temp job

Start next Tues.  HP I believe.  Must and always remember that.  Ask that I do your will, not mine all day today.  You will give me what I need, not what I want.

Day 124 Still in the running

God if it is meant to be, You will make it so.

Day 123 Job at Airport

6 week temp assignment.  What's the big deal?  Yes or no!

Day 122 GETTING A JOB TODAY

Even if it kills me.

Day 121

Big fucking deal.  Having a pitty party for myself.  Samw old shit. No one want to listen to my broken record.

Day 120 4 months

Life getting better?  It's getting worse since I have stopped.

Day 118 and the beat goes on.

and on.  I sound like a broken records.  Lord, God.  I give up.  Do with me what you will.  Even if that means I have to live in a dumpster or the Boston Common.

Day 117

God, Thy will is my will.  Show me, tell me what to do today.

Day 116

God travel with me.  Let you into my heart.

Day 115

God walk with me today.

Day 114 Still sober

Been on a journey.  Do not know where it is taking me.  Travelling with God today.  He is running the show.  I am just following.

Day 113 Still sober with

a roof over my head.  Things move too slowly.  Getting de

Day 112

Missed yesterday's blog entry.  Out of money, out of jobs, out of options.  Not out of options.  I could rob a bank or kill myself.  Too chicken to do either.  Throw myself in front of a bus.  Can't do that to the bus driver.  Would forever change their life.  Drink a gallon of vodka straight down.  The way my luck runs, I would survive it more damaged than I already am.  Becoming more of a burden.  Waje up full of hope, but get beaten down.  Why can't I feel God.  Why do I doubt.  I pray, but prayers are not going to pay the bills.

Killing myself is the way to go.  Just need to figure out how to do it quick and painless.  And soon.

Day 110

Who knows.  I fucking give up.  I am stopping this fucking madness.

Day 109 - WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still on this crazy merry-go-round:  Looking for a job, need money, must pay bill, apply to job postings, looking for a job, need money, must pay bills, apply to job postings, Looking for a job, need money, must pay bill, apply to job postings, looking for a job, need money, must pay bills, apply to job postings, Looking for a job, need money, must pay bill, apply to job postings, looking for a job, need money, must pay bills, apply to job postings, Looking for a job, need money, must pay bill, apply to job postings, looking for a job, need money, must pay bills, apply to job postings, Looking for a job, need money, must pay bill, apply to job postings, looking for a job, need money, must pay bills, apply to job postings,

THIS IS FUCKING CRAZY.  I AM A GOOD, TALENTED, HONEST PERSON.  WHY CAN'T I FIND A FUCKING DECENT JOB!  I DO NOT WANT TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.  JUST A FUCKING DECENT PAYING JOB FOR AN HONEST DAYS WORK.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG HERE!  

Day 108

Out of a job.  Out of options.  Where is God leading me?

Day 107 No expectations

For today.  Don't expect anything, no disappointments.

Day 106 sober

Big fucking deal.  I want to kill myself. 

Day 105 Tough times ahead

Just concentrate on today.  Even if it is minute by minute.

Sometimes I feel like the Kool Aid ain't working.

Day 104 - MY LIFE STILL SUCKS

But still sober.  Need to deal with IRS today.  Talk about stress!! Godspeed to me.  Is that wrong to ask for myself?

Day 103 MY LIFE SUCKS!!

and it is NOT God's fault.  I GET IT!!!

Day 103

Still here.  Sober.  Problem still here too.  God knows what roads I travel today.  God, please travel with me.  Give me the stength to face what you have planned for me.

Day 102

God why can't I feel you.  Please do not let me be the center of my universe.  How can I serve thee.

Day 101

Grateful for waking up able to say my prayers and meditate.  God help me to keep from speaking negative thoughts.  They may pop into my head, but show me how not to speak them.  Words can hurt even though I may not mean to.  Words once spoken can not be taken back and forgotton.  I must think before I speak. 

Day 100

Your will be done.  Help me understand and feel it.

Day 99

I know God is with me and will helo me to think and say and do the right thing. 

Got to keep repeating this to myself.

Day 98 - I think I am being Fired

Working at this needlepoint shop is insane.  The owners are nuts.  They have placed another ad on Craig's list looking for someone who can knit and crochet.  That is me.  This place is toxic.  Will drive me to drink.

Day 97 I am still sober!

I had a drunk dream last night in which I was lieing, drinking, even lying to my late mother who appeared in the dream.  Old feelings of shame, guilt, and deceit were stirred up. I was so happy to wake up sober!  I did not blow my sobriety as I had in my dream.  Thank you God for this "new" begining.  I put myself in Your hands to get me through today's journey.

Today's journey is like my life:  IS SUCKED. 

Day 96 serenity

Acceptance.  Come what may. Thy will be done.  What road I travel today You will be with me.

Day 95 Having a pity party...

...for myself.  Need a release.  No body cares, but God.