Different Day, Different Outlook

Fuck this app.

What the fuck next?

Mircrowave decided to stop working today. All I want to do is fix my miserable life. Why can't I catch a break? All I want is a simple ljfe and a simple job. God where THE FUCK ARE YOU? I do not have the strength of Job.

Here it is, another rejection letter

I want to kill myself!

> Dear  Chikky.

> It has been a real pleasure speaking with you to discuss your background and interest in the Part-time position at XXX and I'd like to thank you for taking the time to interview with us this week. We had several highly qualified candidates apply for the position and although it has been a difficult decision we have chosen to pursue another candidate whom we believe most closely matches the job requirements.

> We do thank you for your interest in XXXX and we wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

> Again, thank you for your time.

In other words, old.

TGIF? I am still here.

I am still here. Day 426 sober. 20 to 30 more years of misery?  That is just too overwhelming to think about. I have been given today. Let's see what that will bring. 

Today I am suppose to hear back from XXX "either way." I think I am used to rejection. The letters that say: "Thank you for applying for the position, BUT we have selected another candidate that best meets our needs. Good luck in the future." Does every HR department use the same rejection template? These letters don't bother me as much as they use to (ok, sometimes they do).

Got up at 5 am today. Threw out 5 bags of trash. The trash pickers were out there last night. As usual, the bags are all ripped up. News will be getting out that there is more trash than usual going on at 12 Margaret Street. Even trash pickers have a route and a network. Especially so at the end of the month.

I can't believe I am moving to Florida!  It hasn't really sunk in yet. Thank God for Lillie. I really don't want to leave here.  I have been here for going on 62 years come this October. Time for a change. Scarry times ahead. Fear of the unknown. Vaya con Dios.

Yada Yada Yada

yeah I know the same old shit. I so tired of listening to myself whine.  I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

Jesus, the voice thing on this app does not work!

God, I heard you.

Was not what I wanted to hear, but I must and will accept it. You have been talking to me all along. I just was not hearing you. I am listening now.

I am so tired - Update

Have an interview today. I have no hopes and no expectations. Been up since 3 am. Now I want to sleep.

Another day of misery.

Well that is another job I will not be getting.  Did not ask for references.

Also did not get the temp assignment for a month long gig.

DEAR SWEET JESUS!  WTF!!!!!!!!

KILL ME NOW!!  This is your will?!!

Day 422

I am still here and still sober. I want to go out and drink, but it will not make the world go away. I keep praying for a miracle. Blind faith? I give up at the end of each day. Then I wake up to a new day and the same things start all over again. I feel like I am living in the Groundhog's Day movie. I am still sober through all of this shit that I am trying to get through.  422 days without a drink! Now that is truly a miracle! I really get to FEEL the pain. Can't run away from it. No matter where I go, there I am along with the big bag of shit I am destined to carry. I have to learn how to enjoy pain!

Still here, still sober

Still miserable.

This says it all for me

With the exception of my family (my sister), this is exactly how I feel:

http://www.prlog.org/11218799-im-so-tired-of-being-tired.html

God, I know you are there.

Giving me answers I don't want to hear. Help me listen and and accept your answers. Thy will, nit mine, be done.

Too Old to Work Too Young to Die

What the fuck am I suppose to do? Guess if I kill myself it would answer my question. I must be sundowning. Feeling depressed.  What the fuck is the point. Life sucks and then you die.

God where are you?

Why can't I hear you?

I just want to kill myself

but don't have the guts to do it. What the fuck is up with all this bad karma? Who the fuck or what the fuck did I do in my previous life?  Do I have to endure this.  Why can't I catch a break. Be grateful for what I have? Keep taking what fucking little that I do have. I am just so angry right now. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

Just threw out 4 bags

Of trash. Did't even put a dent in the crap I have. How am I ever going to be ready to move to Florida. I really don't want to move there, but that seems like my only option other than being homeless.

God what next?

The hits keep coming. The computer what the fuck next?  Oh I know, the gas is going to get shut off. Got nothing much more you can take. Keep letting me wake up for more misery. What fucking lesson to I need to be taught today?

God give me strength

Am I doing the right thing?

Day 411

God, whatever you have planned for me today, help me get through it. Without you and my sobreiety, who knows.

I am still fucking here.

God, how long do I have to pay for my past sins?  Just kill me now! I am losing everything. So what is the point.  I will not survive the streets.

Day 408! Amazing!

That is an accomplishment!  HP working?  Wish I could apply that powe to the rest of my life. I just do not know how to fix this mess.  I need to someone or somerhing to tell me what to do.  I am to obtuse to see opportunitues that are even standing right in front if me jumping up and down waving a HELLO signs.  GOD help me.

Thank you God.

I am truly humbled and grateful today.

Here it is...5 am

And I am trolling Craig's List for a job.  Any job! ALL I WANT IS A F..KING JOB!!! What do I have to do to earn a living wage!

Another day, another no dollar

Trying to change my attitude.  Caught myself this morning almost going into the "woe is me" and over the cliff mode.  Was able to calm myself down.  Found myself practicing the 11th step prayer.  Comforting others.  Go figure.  I am also finding that I am noticing the steps in other people, places, and things.  This women just showed up in my hospital room with a nebulizer.  Told me it was a gift showed me how to use it and then left. Who was that.

Going to make a followup appointment with my Pcp after this.

Day 404 What will today bring?

Dear God, thy will be done. Give me the strength to carry it out. Do the next right thing.  Help me to say and do what it is your will.

Day 403

What is keeping me sober?  HP must be it.  Will I ever get out of the mess I am in?