Day 2 again

Spent yesterday afternoon roaming the streets of the North End picking up cigarette butts and looking for an AA meeting that I could not find.  I do not know what today is going to bring.  Just so tired.  I just wish I could disappear.

Day 1 Again (Yes, Again)

What is there to say.  Too tired to write or fight.  I am going to have to tell my sister and I would rather eat shit than tell her.

Day 1 Again

Had a drink yesterday.  It did not make my problems go away.  Just made them worse.  Today is the day I end it all?  Too chicken to try?  I am just so tired.  It is getting harder and harder to get up after the punches.

Day 10 Part 2

God, why didn't you let me die that day last fall when I gave myself a subdural hematoma when I fell down drunk.  Blackout.  Doozy of a lump on the left side of my head. 

The hits just keep coming.  Thank you Commonwealth of Massachusetts Department of Revenue.  You may have just pushed me over the edge of my fucking cliff. 

Like Freddie Cannon sang:  "Goodbye cruel world I am off to join the circus...."  The Big Apple Circus is in town.  Maybe I will join them.  My luck, they won't want me.  I can't even get a job cleaning shitty toilets.

Day 10 Still Sober!

Things are suppose to be getting better.  Still waiting.  Answered 2 Craig List postings for sewing gigs.  Being hopeful, but keeping my expectations low.

Need to make things happen  but I am stuck.  Do not know what to do. Just spinning my wheels.  Getting nowhere fast.  Well I am still sober.  Been up all night worrying.  Trying to figure my way out of the mess that I call my life.

Beginning Day 9 So Far Sober

It is only 5:30 am.  Only have 18.5 more hours to go to make it to day 10.  But who is counting.  Just need to make it through the next 3.5 hours.  That is when the liquor stores open.  Ha Ha. 

I am hungry.  I have 3 oranges that I stole from my AA meeting last night.  That will be breakfast and lunch.  This FUCKING disease has reduced me to stealing food and toliet paper!  I can see why junkies (i am one) steal to feed their habit.  I had the money to pay my bills, but I spent it on booze.  Where did that get me?  The high is gone and the bills are still there. 

Well I surrender.  I am totally done.  Can't do this shit any more.  All I want to do is just disappear.  Just not exisit.  Just fade away.

They keep telling me in AA that things will get better.  For me, the hits just keep on coming.  Let's see what exciting adventures await me today. 

I guess God is making me see another day.  Just another 13 hours until Day 10.

Have a good one.

Day 8 - Where Do I Go Fom Here

Can't get any lower.  Or can I?  How much lower can I go.  I will be living on the streets soon.  That has to be lower.  Imagine, $300 is what is keeping me beteen having a roof over my head and living in the park.  I might as well go out and have a drink or just kill myself.  Both will accomplish the same thing.  I will be dead, stress of making it through another 24-hours of misery over!  Choices, choices.

Day 7 Can Not Believe It

God grant me the serenity to accept the things  I can not change; courage to chamge the things I can:  and the wisdom to the know the difference.

Some times this works, some times it doesn't.  Today it does not.

Day 6 Another Day of Misery

What more can I say.  Not much.

Day 5, but Who is countinng.

My 5th day of misery.  Pray, and pray, but the hits just keep coming.  Why am I still here?  Can it get any worse?  Yes it can, and it does.  Like I said, the hits, just keep coming.  One minute, one hour, one day the punch is going to come that I will/don't/won't/can't get up.

Day 4 and still sober

for now.  My mind is like a roller coaster. It is up and down.  I feel so broken and I do not know how to fix me. I NEED A FUCKING JOB.  CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?  I NEED A JOB!!!!!!

Today Begins Day 3

Jt is 5 am.  Why am I still here. Another 24-hours of misery to get through.  This one day at a time sucks. Live in the moment.  Yeah, right.  Just give me a drink or kill me.

Day 2 and No Drinking!

Need to work on the smoking.  Sobriety is not easy.  So tired.  No money either.  Going to pass on that interview tomorrow.  One hour travel time each way.  Just need to come up with $300 in the next couple of days.  Anyone willing to help?  I think not.  I will becoming homeless.  I will die out on the streets.  I have been thinking about doing myself in.  Why prolong the inevitable?

I have an Interview on Friday!

Too bad it is for a company located in Quincy. It will cost me $7 per day (round trip).  That is $40 per week.  The most that will be offered it $18 per hour.  That is what I am making now and I am only working part-time.  This will be a full time gig.

Happy Easter to Me

All the friends that I have, not one invitation to dinner.  Had a cheese sandwich.  Processed cheese at that.  Got to stop feeling sorry for myself and start making things happen.  Positive things.

Why is someone from I spy and Cheaters looking at my blog. I am not cheating on anyone.   I am an honest 60 year old woman trying to find a job,  in serious, financial hardship problems.  Will be homeless soon,  That means I will be dead.  Will not survive the streets.  Only option out is to kill myself.  All  I WANT is too WORK!!!  I have been beaten down on the floor.  I used to be able to come up.  BUT, I am tired and just want to go to sleep and never wake up.  The problem is I wake up another day, with a lot of WTF!!, why am I still here. 

Why does NOT google ad appear on my my blog?

On my way to meet someone from

Craig's List to sell my unused pantyhose.  How crazy is that?