Day 34 Same Old Shit

I am still here.  Why?  I am so tired of asking the same thing.  I am even sick and tired of myself posting the same old shit.  this is insanity.  I am fucking nuts.

Day 30!!!!

Can't believe it.  Still sober.  Still have major issues, but still sober.

Day 28 - Almost 29

I give up.  Losing track of time.  Probably losing track of my mind.

Day 27 SOBER SOBER SOBER

Still miserable.  Maybe I won't wake up tomorrow.  Wouldn't that be nice.  Will I be missed?  I think not

Day 26 Feeling Strange

Went to an event last night.  Chinese food.  Woke up this morning in a cold soaking sweat around 3:30 am.  Felt like someone threw a bucket of water on me.  Felt sick to my stomach.  From the Chinese food?  Don't know.  Forced myself to throw up and then went back to bed.  Got up around 6:45 am.  Felt a little better.

Boss wants to cut my check and pay me tomorrow or Tuesday.  WTF?  I need my money and I need it now.  Cuts me a check before he leaves.  Still do not have enough to pay my bills.  What to do?  At this moment in time, I don't give a fuck about it.  I am just too tired to think about it.  If I could get a job, even part time, that would relieve the stress, but no job in sight.  I have applied just about every where.  I would like to end it all, but I do not have the "balls" to do it myself.  I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.  Heading for a AA meeting at 5:30 today.  What good these meetings do me?  I don't know.  I do as they say and "just keep coming." 

Day 25 Yahoo?

Really, who gives a fuck.  No one.  Need a job. So sick of this same old shit day, after fucking day.  Hey, but I am sober.  Big fuck.  Who cares?  Where is this spirituality?  Why the fuck am I still here?

Day 24 Still Here

Enough said.  I surrender.  Surrender to what?

Day 21 -Yeah

World is cumbling abound me, but hey, I am sober.  Made it to 21 days minus the nip I had last tuesday.  I am not counting that.  I only had one (all that I could afford),  Nothing before or since the past 21 days.  I wanted to end up dead today, but no I woke up.  I guess God has other plans for me.  I just wish he would let me in on the secret.  This one day at a time thing is getting to me.

Day 20 - Yea, Yea I Know

Today is the day. Doing our best, living each day to the fullest is the art of living.
Yesterday is gone, and we don't know whether we will be here tomorrow.
If we do a good job of living today, and if tomorrow comes for us,
then the chances are we will do a good job when it arrives --
so why worry about it?

- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 357

 

 

Everything in life is temporary.  So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever.

 

And if things are going bad, don't worry.  It can't last forever either.

Day 19 Applying for Welfare Benefits Today

Don't know if I will get approved.  If not, will go out and find a cardboard box and stakeout a spot on the Boston Common for my future home.  Hey, I am still sober!  The better to enjoy the great outdoors.  Wishing myself luck. 

Day 18

Enough said.  Just too tired.  Still have a meeting at 8 pm to go to.

Day 17 Still Sober But Done

I give up.  I do not give a fuck any more.  Que sera sera.  I am tired of worring and stressing about every thing.  I am either going to blow my rent and go on a final bender and go out in a hell of a drunken blaze if no glory or go out and throw myself in front of a bus.  But I don't think I can,do that to the people who will find me or the poor bus driver just doing their job.

Day 16 Still Here

GOD WHY AM I STILL HERE.  DO YOU NOT HEAR MY PAIN?  Another fun filled day to slay the demons. 

Day 15 I WANT A DRINK!

I WANT A DRINK, I WANT A FUCKING DRINK!! I WANT IT FUCKING NOW!!  GOD KILL ME NOW!!

Day 14 Stll Here Waiting for a Miracle

If I could sleep would be a miracle.  It is torture of every hour of every day that I am here and awake.  Want a drink.  Still sober.  Don't know how or why.  I am hungry.  Do not o stealing fruits from one of my AA meetings.  My cable is about to be shut off.  Oh well, I am still sober.  Really to get to enjoy my misery full blown.  Nothing to numb the pain of my so called shitty life.  Hey, but I am sober. Big fucking deal. 

Well, I guess I will have more time to attend more AA meetings.

Day 13 Dire Straights Are Here

Need a miracle today.  I am alive, some what healthy, and sober.  That I guess is a miracle.  A gift from God.  Like I said yesterday, I am done.  Can no longer put up a fight.  I can get up anymore.  I am being humbled.  Just need to get through today.  THY WILL BE DONE.

Day 12 Miracle Needed Today

Enough said.  Still sober.  20 more hours to get through.  I TOTALLY SURRENDERED yesterday.  I am done.  I am toast.  Can no longer fight it.  God, do with me what you will.  It is YOUR will not mine. 

Fwd: Day 11 Still Sober

I missed/skipped Day 10 of my blog.  I did't skip or miss the battle or the demons.  They were most certainly there for me to deal with.  As they are now.

It is 2 am.  I thought it was 5 am.  The good thing is I have a.couple of more hours that I can sleep than I thought or not.

I need to find a job that is going to pay me more so I can live and nor just exist from paycheck to paycheck.  I hate the job I have and all the negative, sarcastic remarks and comments from the asswhole boss who is a micromanager.

Arrrrgh.....

Day 9 and the Beat, I Mean the Battle Goes On

18 hours to get through.  It is Monday back to the salt mines.  The only good thing is the Cats are away.  This mouse can play, but they left me with mazes to run through.  No cheese at the end for a reward. 

Guess I am full of metaphors today.  Well off to slay my demons. 

Day 8 Is Here

Up at 4 am.  Sleep, sleep.  My kingdom for some sleep (to paraphrase Shakesphere).  So tired.  Just wish I could sleep. 

Just 19 hours to get through for today.  Today is Sunday.  7 more hours until the liquor stores open.

Spent 3 hours last night working on a project for work. Time that I will not be paid for.  Well I guess I can add it to a portfolio that I should be building.

Well back to the Law & Order marathon.  Contemplate my life between commercials.

The battle continues...

Day 7 The Circus is Hiring!

Can you believe Adecco staffing is interviewing for positions for the circus.  I am overqualified.  There goes my plan to run away to join the circus.  Hurry on down to 99 Summer Street today before all the jobs go to the 20-year olds who do not speak English and are here on a green card. 

Hey, but I am sober and have 16 more hours to Day 8.  Can hardly wait to get through this miserable battle.

Day 6 and So the Battle Goes On

Been up since 3 am.  Can't sleep.  Is that so I can spend more waking hours slaying my demons?  Is this what I have to look forward to in sobriety? 

Just one day at a time.  So the tell me.  18 more hours to Day 7.  Guess I just need to concentrate on the next hour.

I just wish I could FUCKING quit smoking.

Day 5 A New Day The Same Battle

...that will never end.  Just another 12.5 hours of misery to get through and then I get to start the battle all over again!  Let me see if I can get through until 9 am.  Liquor stores open then.

Financial worries do not help the battle.  Collection calls add to the stress.  Just want to run into traffic.  Need help but do not know where to turn or what to do. So I do nothing. 

Almost 17 hours to get through to Day 6.

Day 4 The Misery Continues

Well I did get some of my money back.  DOR kept $320.  Still do not have enough to pay my bills.  Do not know what I am going to do.  The kicker in all this was I was also charged $100 fee for all this stress fun.  Not sure who got the fee.  The bank or DOR?  Sure go after the poor working stiff.  Never mjnd the big time tax cheats.  Have a fucking, wucking day Chikky. 

Day 3 and the Misery Continues

I am still here.  Went out around 2 am for a cigarette butt run.  Isn't that pathectic and disgusting.  Smoked them though.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  Going to try to go back ti bed.