Day 546 / Day 14 - Another Monday Arrives

feeling ungrateful today. I don't know why. Went to an online meeting this morning that started out unorganized. Tried to go with the flow, but just couldn't. Don't know what the fuck my problem is today. Just applied for a job this morning for a secretarial position. Do I want to work. Yes, but doing what. Right now I am just existing. Taking up space, air and food. I just do not want to exist. I do not want to think about anything anymore. Saturday made 2-years that my Mom has been dead. Have been kind of squirrelly since then. My sister is in a weird mood also. Any thing will set her off. Feel like I am walking on eggshells around her. Trying to tune out negativity, but sometimes that is hard to do. Been hiding out in my room this morning. Isolating I suppose. The best part of my day is 10 PM, when I can retire to my room, shut the door and then go to sleep. Unfortunately, I have been waking up in the middle of the night. Then I count the hours that I am suppose to get up. That is how I am spending my days one at a time. Counting the hours until I can go to my room and be alone and then time that I dreading the time that I have to get up and face the world. Have been doing this everyday for the last 3 months. Grateful for that I suppose. Just wish I knew what purpose I am serving. Who am I here to help? Yes, I am grateful to my sister for everything she has done for me. But I just can't explain the sadness, lonelienss, depression that I feeling. If my sister sees me crying, it turns into a shrink session. Every once in a while she brings up the past to rehash it. I don't want to forget the past, but I don't know I am just rambling on not making any sense. Maybe I will feel better if I type it out, maybe not.

Day 542 Sober

Day 10 smoke free. 3 months living in Key Largo. It is the same old story that I just can't bear to type again. Yada, Yada, Yada says it all. I am lucky I am living. Acceptance is the key to all my problems today. Got to keep on reciting the AA platitudes to myself. I think I have lost my mind.

Day 536 - I am going crazy

I want a cigarette so bad. This is worse than giving up drinking. I have ADD can not concentrate on any one thing today. I just wish I could fucking stop existing. I just can not stand it anymore!

Day 535 - Still Sober...

...but feeling depressed. So what else is new with me? Always looking for something to whine about. Wish I had some wine about. LOL. Making jokes. Trying to quit smoking. The problem there is I don't really want to quit smoking. But in more ways than one I must. I wont' go into the details. I have been doing that in my head for my whole life. Things just go round and round and round. I am so bored right now. I guess I should be thankful for that. If I were back in Boston I would probably be dead. I wish for being dead everyday, but yet I am still here. They tell me that I am exactly where I am suppose to be right now. For that I am thankful to my sister (God working through my sister?). My problem, as I have said in the past, is I want it all and I want it now. The biggest glitch in that is I don't know what it is that I want. Madee it through 535 days of sobriety, on Day 2 for not smoking. For what? Life sucks and then you die. What do I want to be when I grow up? Better make up my mind soon. I am at the other end of life's spectrum, not the beginning. To be or not to be? That is the question

Day 528 - Happy Birthday to Me

62 years old today. I share a birthday with John Lennon. He's dead. I'm not. Grateful? Should be.

Day 527 - Nothing to Say

Nothing.

Day 526 - Another Monday Rolls Around

Still no job opportunities in sight. Just another day in Paradise. Could be worse. Could be on the other side of the ground. Still hoping for that. Attending online meetings. Crocheting 18 hours a day. What could be better! I am not going to wish for anything anymore. Be careful for what you wish for they say. This is all just a jumbled mess that I am writing here. Am I happy? What is happy? I am just tired, but I just keep on plugging away.

Day 523 - Have I Made a Mistake....

...moving here? Why do I feel like such a loser? I just want to cry, cry, cry. What is it that is bothering me? Why do I feel like I have done something wrong? All I did today was let the dog out. She pooped in the back yard and then went crazy. The whole house is in chaos. That is what my sister said. Went out to have a cigarette, and Brad on phone asking someone(?) about internet charges. Then I come back into the house, he is in Lillie's office with the door closed. Discussing. Discussing what? Me? I know that the world does not revolve around me, but today I feel really off the beam shit. I don't know what it is that is making me feel unsettled. I am thinking the whole suicide thing over and over in my head. Not just today. Forever in the back of my mind. God, this is my life? I just can not keep on doing this. I just wish I could just disappear. I just wish I was never here. Going to the the dark place. I feel it coming. I don't know if I want to get out of the dark place this time.

Day 521 - I am so Bored

Wishing I had a job or making some kind of income. Brad is not doing well in the job department. He and my sister had a blow out this afternoon about that. I am staying in my room, out of the line of fire. Just checked my bank account. IRS has not seized that yet. Just waiting for the shoe the drop (so to speak). I just wish I could check out. I don't want to be here on this planet anymore. It is just too hard. Maybe I will take a nap and not wake up.