Day 546 / Day 14 - Another Monday Arrives

feeling ungrateful today. I don't know why. Went to an online meeting this morning that started out unorganized. Tried to go with the flow, but just couldn't. Don't know what the fuck my problem is today. Just applied for a job this morning for a secretarial position. Do I want to work. Yes, but doing what. Right now I am just existing. Taking up space, air and food. I just do not want to exist. I do not want to think about anything anymore. Saturday made 2-years that my Mom has been dead. Have been kind of squirrelly since then. My sister is in a weird mood also. Any thing will set her off. Feel like I am walking on eggshells around her. Trying to tune out negativity, but sometimes that is hard to do. Been hiding out in my room this morning. Isolating I suppose. The best part of my day is 10 PM, when I can retire to my room, shut the door and then go to sleep. Unfortunately, I have been waking up in the middle of the night. Then I count the hours that I am suppose to get up. That is how I am spending my days one at a time. Counting the hours until I can go to my room and be alone and then time that I dreading the time that I have to get up and face the world. Have been doing this everyday for the last 3 months. Grateful for that I suppose. Just wish I knew what purpose I am serving. Who am I here to help? Yes, I am grateful to my sister for everything she has done for me. But I just can't explain the sadness, lonelienss, depression that I feeling. If my sister sees me crying, it turns into a shrink session. Every once in a while she brings up the past to rehash it. I don't want to forget the past, but I don't know I am just rambling on not making any sense. Maybe I will feel better if I type it out, maybe not.