Be Careful What You Wish For...

....you just might get your wish. I was always wishing I were not here or dead or thinking of killing myself. Well have Stage V cancer. Got my wish in a way. Not a quick way to go, but I will be going sooner rather than later. I am no longer going to wish for anything. What God has in store for me for today, just hope he give me the strength to get through it. Got a doctor's appointment this morning. Finally getting a diagnosis today? We will see.

Day 757 - Yes, I am still fucking here

Fuck, fuck, fuck. My life fucking sucks. I should be grateful and thankful, but right now I am feeling the "Woah is Me" blues. Fuck Fuck Fuck

Day 694 - DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???

what the fuck are you doing to me? They are still here. Shelly and Nico are suppose to go back tomorrow. Shelly is just miserable here and Lillie is miserable that she is here. The whole house is full of tension. It is the same old fucking song and dance everyday. It is time to start playing a new record because this one is broke. GOD ARE YOU TESTING ME?!!!!!!!!!!WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???

Day 661 - Jumping Jospehaft!!

It that even a real word? Just love my life. It is just fucking peachy keen wonderful!!! Fuck me, fuck you, fuck everything. God why am I still here? What is the fucking purpose to my life. I keep saying and thinking it over and over and over again. Still no fucking answer. Maybe it is time to relapse and go back to the fucking bottle. Atleast I won't fucking care anymore. That is another good question: Why the fuck am I still sober???? I just wish somebody, any fucking somebody tell me! God, twenty-five more years of this fucking shit??

Day 661 - Yes! I am Still Fucking Here!!

Nothing changes or does it? Shelly and Nico moving back to Pennsylvannia? Stay tuned, film at 11!

Bah Hum Bug Fuck it

GOD, help me!!

Day 648 - Still Here

Nothing is changing, everything is changing. Went out to the beach two days this week. Need to get out there every day weather permitting (which is most days), Feeling restless, have the need to do something. Getting cabin fever? Lillie exploded the other day. Told everyone more or less to go to hell. Saw that coming. Nothing to prevent it. Went on a job interview. Don't think I will get this gig. They did not ask for references plus how would I get to the job. No car remember? Brad gave me a ride to the interview. Feeling trapped here. Back to thinking about ways to do myself in. How to end it all. One of these days I may just carry it through. Lillie going up to Atlanta middle of March to see Danni and family. Leaving me behind with the in-laws. That is going to be great. Maybe that will be the time to do myself in. I am so sick of myself talking like this. I would do something about it, but what the fuck do I do. Going out might help. Seeing other people. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.