Day 579 And so it begins

Another day. 12 hours before I can close my door.  Brad's grandfather is still hanging on. It is just a matter of when. I really do not want to go to PA.

Don't have much say over anything in my life right now.

Day 575 - Staying Put for Now

Brad's grandfather is no doing as bad as he was first told. He woke up this morning and was talking. No stroke. We are playing the wait and see what happens game on a daily basis. So life goes on as before day by day. I woke up today, so God is not done with me yet for today. 10-1/2 hours until I can go to bed. Pretty sad and pathetic, don't you think?

Day 574 / Day 42 - Life on Life's Terms

Guess Life is coming at me today. My friend Mike was down in Key West with his wife visiting a mutual friend. Mike wanted to stop by to say Hi on his way back to the airport for he and Michelle's flight home. I made an excuse that I was busy and couldn't meet with them. Long story behind that. Well Lillie tells me this morning that Brad's 101-year old grandfather had a stroke and is in the hospital. Looks like it might be time for the old gent. Brad wants to fly up right away, my sister wants to go with him. It is Thanksgiving week, so flights are going to be hard to get. There is talk of driving up (it will take about 20 hours). Also talk of taking me with them. It is not what I would like. Going up to Pennsylvania to see someone I don't know die, does not appeal to me. Lillie says they can't leave me "stranded" here because I have no car. So where am I going to end up? Am I going up to cold Pennsylvania or staying here in the Keys with the dog? Life is coming at me today. God, just because I told a lie to Mike, you are sending me a doozy of a payback. LOL. Stay tooned....film at 11.

Day 572 - Saturday

It is 5:45 am. Sitting in my room. I just love this alone time. Just as I love as it nears 10 pm each day. I can go to my room and shut the door on everything. Have TV, computer. Sleep. Ah, sleep. Something that I have not been able to do for a long time. Can not remember the last time that I have slept more than two hours straight. But that is OK I suppose. I keep waking up. That must mean something. I just wish I knew what. I just keep on repeating myself. Oh well, I will just try to enjoy the alone time. In a little while I will have to face the world again, in one form or another.

Day 571 - What the Fuck am I doing?

571 days without a drink and 39 days without a smoke. I want to drink and smoke until there is no more left of me, but no, I am staying sober and smoke free. For fucking what? I have been spending about 12 hours a day knitting, crocheting and sewing. All for this upcoming show in Islamorada. Will we sell anything. Right now, I don't fucking care. I am cross stitching a palm tree on a micro canvas. Can I really make a living doing this. Do i really want to keep on living is the question that I need to answer. I just do not want to exist anymore. I am tired. Have not been sleeping well. Maybe that is where all this negativity is coming from. Who knows. All I know is that I am just so tired and don't want to do any of this any more.

Day 564 - Oh Fuck it All

God, my every move in this house is being watched and known. I have to get out of here and I don't mean this house. I have got to get out of this life. It is just to fucking hard. I do not want to do this any more. What is the sense in trying when I don't know what the purpose is. Why am I just taking up space and oxygen? Yeah I know here I go again. Must be the full moon coming. Just keep on yaking about the same old same old. I don't know how to fix myself. Stay in my room today. Can't deal with the world. Have a f2f meeting tonight. Oh fuck it all.

Day 563 - And the verbal abuse continues.....

....was looking for the words. Daily verbal abuse. Nothing I can do about it. Makes her feel better I suppose, but still the words hurt. You are frustrated, I understand that. I am frustrated too. There is nothing I can do to make your life easier. This being a burden thing has me frustrated, depressed, hopeless. Almost like being in Boston. Yes, you saved my life, but for what? To be a whipping post for you. Yes, I know you don't mean it afterward, but I am hearing what you are saying. Hate your job? I know that, nothing I can do about it or anything.. Acceptance is suppose to be the key to my serenity. Hah....I have to accept the person, place, thing or situation in my life as the way it is suppose to be. I have no say in what direction my life takes. I just want to stop existing. Why the fuck am I here? God help me understand. Sometimes it is not so easy to accept things. Sigh...........

Day 562 - Told to Stop Counting the Days

I was told on another site that I should stop counting the days. Should I? Then how will I know how long I have been sober. It is 5 am in the morning and I can not sleep. Spending my days knitting scarfs. Getting ready for the mini show in Islamorada on December 6th. Things seem to be heading towards this arts and crafts things. God's will? Who knows. Brad is not working, putting stress on Lillie. My SS kicks in next month, will be an income for me. Hopefully I can contribute something toward living here. or should I say existing here. What is it that I want? Nothing is making me happy. What is it with me. The best part of the day is when I get to go to my room and shut the door. I don't know, just too tired to care.

Day 560 - What the Fuck am I doing?

God, why am I still here. Going on 4 months living here. Just plodding along. Just existing. Count the hours until I go to bed, hoping I do not get up. But I do. Then counting the hours that I have to get up and start the "show" all over again, until I can go back and retire to my room. Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it and it may not be what you wanted after all. What is it that I want? That would be nice to know. I have been trying for 62 years to figure that out. Another 20 years of this? I don't know.

Day 557 - Whatever

Yada, Yada, Yada....

Day 555 Kind of a Milestone

Triple 5's. LOL. Sober for another day. This not smoking thing is really hard. Should I twelve step that? Who knows. Right now I think I will take a walk up to the tobacco store after lunch and buy me a pack of cigarettes. The voices in my head won't stop. If I buy the cigarettes, will the voices start telling me to drink? I am really weired today!

Day 554 - I want a cigarette

Why was it quicker to quit drinking? When will this obsession to smoke leave me? I know all of the good reasons why I should not smoke, but when it comes right down to it I DO NOT WANT TO QUIT SMOKING. Do I need to hit a bottom on that too?

Day 553 / Day 21

553 days sober and 21 days smoke free (well a couple of drags of a cigarette here and there). Another Monday rolls around. We have legally set up our craft business. We applied for a limited liability company on Friday! We are now a legal entity. Too bad I really do not want to do this. It means a lot of hard work. I am already putting in sweat equity on this job with no pay at all. All I want to do is work for somebody, come home, sit in front of the TV and then go to bed. But, I don't think (actually I know it) that is what God has in mind for me. What I want and what I need or get are two different things. They say be careful what you wish for, you just may get it. Being in Florida is not all that what I expected it to be. Not really sure what I expected. Acceptance is the key to all my problems today. So the saying goes. It is just now noon time here and I have 10 more hours before I can come into this room and shut the door and call it a day. Kind of sad, don't you think?