Day 571 - What the Fuck am I doing?

571 days without a drink and 39 days without a smoke. I want to drink and smoke until there is no more left of me, but no, I am staying sober and smoke free. For fucking what? I have been spending about 12 hours a day knitting, crocheting and sewing. All for this upcoming show in Islamorada. Will we sell anything. Right now, I don't fucking care. I am cross stitching a palm tree on a micro canvas. Can I really make a living doing this. Do i really want to keep on living is the question that I need to answer. I just do not want to exist anymore. I am tired. Have not been sleeping well. Maybe that is where all this negativity is coming from. Who knows. All I know is that I am just so tired and don't want to do any of this any more.