Day 637 -God Where are You?

Just another day in Paradise!  Nico is sick?  Sixth day of baby sitting. His  nut case mother in a psych ward since last Tuesday. Is that for real?  Am I being selfish?  Full of questions. DEAR LORD, ANSWER ME OR GIVE ME A SIGN! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!!!

Day 633 - I am really going to kill myself

Shelly is on suicide watch  down in Marathon!  Really!  Guess who is watching the kid?  ME!!!  WTF?!! God WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF TEST IS THIS???

Day 625 - GOD, PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGHT

IF IT IS IN YOU PLAN FOR ME TO LIVE, PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO GET THROUGH THIS DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING CAN'T STAND IT ANY MORE! PLEASE EITHER KILL ME OR GIVE ME THE STRENGTH,

Day 624 - God, I am so tired

For a little while today, this place was crazy. It is calm now, but I am so tired. Going to lie down, hope I do not wake up.

Day 623 - Fuck I am Still Here

Keep praying not to wake up. Not working. Life goes on and on and on. God kill me now! It is almost 3 PM in the afternoon. My brother-in-law is suppose to building a "ladder" for my sister's shawl display for our show on Saturday. He has not done one iota of work on it. All three of them are just sitting around doing nothing. I am so fucking sick of this life. Jesus Christ CAN YOU HEAR ME! I WANT OUT OF THIS FUCKING SHIT. IS THIS A TEST? I DID NOT SIGN ON FOR A 4-YEAR OLD AND HIS DEADBEAT MOTHER. I HAVE BEEN WORKING SINCE I HAVE BEEN 12 YEARS OLD!! THAT IS 50 FUCKING YEARS. I WILL BE WORKING UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME. GOD, FUCKING KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 617- God Help Me and Save Me!!

Just counting the hours that I can go to bed. Doing nothing but equity sweat work for the craft show next week. Be careful what you wish for. You may just get it. I got it and I don't like it, but I have to deal with it. Maybe I will go to sleep tonight and not wake up.

Day 614 - God saved me for this?

I get up in the morning and count the hours that I can go to back to bed. This a life? This is the life I was saved for? God why? I wish I had the guts to kill myself. It is getting pretty close. I can drown myself at the beach or run across US Route 1. Those were options that I did not have up in Boston. I can get lost in the Everglades and hope I get eaten by crockodiles or aligators. All I ever wanted was a job that I earned enough to pay my rent and have the basics. A fucking job was all that I needed. God this is your plan for me? God I am so tired of this shit.

Day 611 - Sigh....Looks like they are staying

Shelly and Nico are going to be living with us. I have resigned myself to that fact, but it does not mean I have to like it. There's is something about Shelly that I just don't trust. Maybe it is because I was/am a junkie like her and that I do not believe she is committed to being sober. I can't say anything about it to anyone. I just do not want it to interfere with my sobriety. When I moved 1500 miles to be here, I did not sign up for a twenty-two year old addict and her 4-year old son. I can't blame Nico too much. He is only 4 years old. But he's is growing up and is a really, really smart kid. Sometimes he can be so lovable and cute and other times he can be so oooooh. I want to grab him by the scruff of his neck and thrown he out the window. Today, Shelly burst into my room. You took over the whole house, now you want to invade MY SPACE. NOT HAPPENING BITCH!!! This is going to be tough to accept. I just have to keep on praying for the acceptance. It is going to be a really big, hard pill for me to swallow. GOD, HELP ME AND SAVE ME!!

Day 609 - Happy Fucking New Year!!!

Acceptance. I keep telling myself that. Killing myself keeps popping up. Has been popping up for the past 62 years. Too chicken to do any thing about it. Just whine and complain. That is all that I am good for. Just keep on plugging on. Being grateful. Yes I am. So restless. Need some sleep I think. Just fucking rambling on. Another day, another day of not knowing why I am here. If I could get the answer to that questions, maybe I can stop this incessant noise in my head. Self centered? I must be. Why am I always complaining. What the fuck is it going to take to make me happy? Serenity and peace, where is it. God, please answer me or show me a sign or the way to begin the path. I am just so fucking tired.