Day 201

Just humming along.

Day 190 Why am I in such...

A crappy mood?  Depressed.  Too much time by myself. Boo hoo poor me.  Snap out of it!

Day 189 Still looking for God

Sometimes I find him.

Day 183

Day 181

Day 180

Blog count is off.  Either today or tommorow is 6 months.

Day 177 no complaints

So far so good.

Day 175

Day 174

Day 173

Day 172 Who knows

Day 171

Day 169 nothing

Day 168 What will it take to make you happy?

What is it that you want?  When is enough enough?

Day 167 same old same old

Different day.

Day 165 better day today?

I hope so.

Day 164 happy birthday to me7

61 years today

Day 163

Day 161 let it go

Let God.  Thy will not mine will be done.

Day 160 Weird Stuff Happening

Really, really weird stuff is happening.  It that you God speaking to me?

Day 159 Faith

Word of the day FAITH

RecoveryApp: Recovery Readings October 4

RecoveryApp: Recovery Readings October 4

Day 158 nothing

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Day 156 sober and still miserable

Put it in my God box

Day 155 still sober and miserable

Day 154 sober

3,696 hours sober
221,760 minutes sober
13,305,600 sober

What numbers, but who is counting.  Talk about living in the here and now.

Day 152 sober still.

Day 150 Happy Birthday Ma

Love you and miss you.

Day 149 Who am I and...

...why am I here? More importantly, where am I going?

Day 148 feeling down

Actually feeling miserable.

Day 147 show me the way.

God, I do not want to drink today.  If I do, please kill me.  Why am I here. Why can't I just not be.

Day 145 The REAL DAY 145

My day count was off but now on track.  Getting complacent?  Nothing to post today.  Need to get back to basics.  Thank you.

Day 145

Thy will be done, not mine.  HUMILITY.

Day 144 ST JUDE, PLEASE MAKE ME GET

IT.  I REALLY NEED THIS JOB!!!!

Day 141

Thy will be done, not mine.

Day 140 there for the grace...

...of God go I.  Where I am going?  Only God knows.

Day 139 GOT TO FUCKING STOP SMOKI.H

Why is it so hard?  Can not afford it in more ways than one.

Day 140 The world does not revolve

around you.  STOP PROJECTING.  LIVE IN THE HERE AND NOW.  Just be you.  God is running the show.

Day 137 God help me get it.

God my faith, trust and love are with you.  Let me remember that through out today.

Day 135 Graditude

Honesty and graditude for next 24 hours.

Day 134 continued...

MAOA, I forgive you too. I am letting go my resentment.  Letting go.

Day 134 I forgive you

Brett Rome.  Blamed you for the beginning of all my troubles.  Drink was the cause of ALL of my troubles.  I can see that clearly now.   i will pray for you today and then let it go otherwise this resentment will eat me alive.

Day 133 Letter to Mummy

Dear Ma,

I am so sorry for all of the crap I put you through.  I am so sorry for hurting you with my words and deeds.  I know you loved me and always forgave me, but those words said caused you pain.  Words and pain can not be taken back.  I am truly sorry for that.  I wish you were here to see me get sober.  Are those pennies from you?  I hope you are resting in peace with God.  I miss you. 

Love,
Yoli

Day 131

Nothing.  Ok.

Day 130 Still Sober

Thy will is my will.  Thy will be done.  Grateful to be alive and sober, have a job to gk to, God is in my life.  Help me to do the and say the right things today.

Day 129 Why Can't I catch a Fucking Break

Working at a job doing shit work for shit wages.  Struggling and never getting ahead.  FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.  Why am I sober. Every thing keeps getting worse.  Ok, pitty party over.  Time to pay the piper.

Day 128

Humility and ANONOMINITY.

Da 127 worry worry worry worry

Worry.  That is all I do. Still think about ending it all.

Day 126 thank you God

Grant me serenity.  Give me what I need, not what I want.

Day 125 Have the temp job

Start next Tues.  HP I believe.  Must and always remember that.  Ask that I do your will, not mine all day today.  You will give me what I need, not what I want.

Day 124 Still in the running

God if it is meant to be, You will make it so.

Day 123 Job at Airport

6 week temp assignment.  What's the big deal?  Yes or no!

Day 122 GETTING A JOB TODAY

Even if it kills me.

Day 121

Big fucking deal.  Having a pitty party for myself.  Samw old shit. No one want to listen to my broken record.

Day 120 4 months

Life getting better?  It's getting worse since I have stopped.

Day 118 and the beat goes on.

and on.  I sound like a broken records.  Lord, God.  I give up.  Do with me what you will.  Even if that means I have to live in a dumpster or the Boston Common.

Day 117

God, Thy will is my will.  Show me, tell me what to do today.

Day 116

God travel with me.  Let you into my heart.

Day 115

God walk with me today.

Day 114 Still sober

Been on a journey.  Do not know where it is taking me.  Travelling with God today.  He is running the show.  I am just following.

Day 113 Still sober with

a roof over my head.  Things move too slowly.  Getting de

Day 112

Missed yesterday's blog entry.  Out of money, out of jobs, out of options.  Not out of options.  I could rob a bank or kill myself.  Too chicken to do either.  Throw myself in front of a bus.  Can't do that to the bus driver.  Would forever change their life.  Drink a gallon of vodka straight down.  The way my luck runs, I would survive it more damaged than I already am.  Becoming more of a burden.  Waje up full of hope, but get beaten down.  Why can't I feel God.  Why do I doubt.  I pray, but prayers are not going to pay the bills.

Killing myself is the way to go.  Just need to figure out how to do it quick and painless.  And soon.

Day 110

Who knows.  I fucking give up.  I am stopping this fucking madness.

Day 109 - WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still on this crazy merry-go-round:  Looking for a job, need money, must pay bill, apply to job postings, looking for a job, need money, must pay bills, apply to job postings, Looking for a job, need money, must pay bill, apply to job postings, looking for a job, need money, must pay bills, apply to job postings, Looking for a job, need money, must pay bill, apply to job postings, looking for a job, need money, must pay bills, apply to job postings, Looking for a job, need money, must pay bill, apply to job postings, looking for a job, need money, must pay bills, apply to job postings, Looking for a job, need money, must pay bill, apply to job postings, looking for a job, need money, must pay bills, apply to job postings,

THIS IS FUCKING CRAZY.  I AM A GOOD, TALENTED, HONEST PERSON.  WHY CAN'T I FIND A FUCKING DECENT JOB!  I DO NOT WANT TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.  JUST A FUCKING DECENT PAYING JOB FOR AN HONEST DAYS WORK.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG HERE!  

Day 108

Out of a job.  Out of options.  Where is God leading me?

Day 107 No expectations

For today.  Don't expect anything, no disappointments.

Day 106 sober

Big fucking deal.  I want to kill myself. 

Day 105 Tough times ahead

Just concentrate on today.  Even if it is minute by minute.

Sometimes I feel like the Kool Aid ain't working.

Day 104 - MY LIFE STILL SUCKS

But still sober.  Need to deal with IRS today.  Talk about stress!! Godspeed to me.  Is that wrong to ask for myself?

Day 103 MY LIFE SUCKS!!

and it is NOT God's fault.  I GET IT!!!

Day 103

Still here.  Sober.  Problem still here too.  God knows what roads I travel today.  God, please travel with me.  Give me the stength to face what you have planned for me.

Day 102

God why can't I feel you.  Please do not let me be the center of my universe.  How can I serve thee.

Day 101

Grateful for waking up able to say my prayers and meditate.  God help me to keep from speaking negative thoughts.  They may pop into my head, but show me how not to speak them.  Words can hurt even though I may not mean to.  Words once spoken can not be taken back and forgotton.  I must think before I speak. 

Day 100

Your will be done.  Help me understand and feel it.

Day 99

I know God is with me and will helo me to think and say and do the right thing. 

Got to keep repeating this to myself.

Day 98 - I think I am being Fired

Working at this needlepoint shop is insane.  The owners are nuts.  They have placed another ad on Craig's list looking for someone who can knit and crochet.  That is me.  This place is toxic.  Will drive me to drink.

Day 97 I am still sober!

I had a drunk dream last night in which I was lieing, drinking, even lying to my late mother who appeared in the dream.  Old feelings of shame, guilt, and deceit were stirred up. I was so happy to wake up sober!  I did not blow my sobriety as I had in my dream.  Thank you God for this "new" begining.  I put myself in Your hands to get me through today's journey.

Today's journey is like my life:  IS SUCKED. 

Day 96 serenity

Acceptance.  Come what may. Thy will be done.  What road I travel today You will be with me.

Day 95 Having a pity party...

...for myself.  Need a release.  No body cares, but God.

Day 94 Selfish

Yesterday, I could nof believe how selfish I waa.  Wondering why God was not leaving me cigarette butts to pickup and smoke?  Really?  What is wrong with me.  What can I do today to help someone else?

Day 93 nothing

I have nothing. Just surviving.  NOTHING NOTHING except GOD..  I believe give me faith!

Day 92 Day Off

What do I do with myself today.  Clean my apartment for one.  Work on my smoking addiction. Definitely going to meetings. 

Day 91 Depressed

Too impatient for things to happen.  Working at a job I do not like.  Still I appreciate that I have it.  Must change my disposition to positive. 

Day 90 WOW!!

Day 89 Thank You God

Your humble servant.  The Kool Aid is kicking in.  It is a good thing. 

Day 88 Still Sober Leading A

Boring life.  God in your hands I place my life. 

Day 87 - 08.31.12

Last day that I will be working for the non profit.  I am on a strange journey that I don't know where it is leading me.  I am being led by God somewhere.  Need to put my faith and trust in his hands.

Day 86 The will be done

Into to your hands I commend my body, my soul, my fate.

Day 85 Mixed Bag of Emotions

Trying to "let it go."

Day 84 Mantra seems to work

Let it go and give it up to HP.  Now to stress about the IRS.

Day 83 Things Work Out!

Amazing what I stress over.  Let it go.  Seems to work best.  Now onto the rent and IRS stress.

Day 82 Motto for the Day

Let it go and shut up.  It is what it is.  In God's hands.

Day 81 Day of Reckoning

No expectations here. 

Day 80 The hits keep on coming

Enough said. 

Day 79 still here. Chickened out

I don't want to die, but don't want to live.  I just don't want to exist. 

Day 78 just want to kill myself

...buy a gallon of vodka after the AA meeting and drink it all at once?  Will that do the trick?  Liquor store is open till 11.  Plenty of time to buy it.  Unless I get a better offer from God, sounds like a plan to me.

Day 77 This will be the day...

...that I die.  Bye, bye American pie, this will be the day that I die.

Day 76 ST. JUDE HELP ME

PLEASE!!!

Day 75 I give up

I surrender.  I can't do it anymore.

Day 74 Life SUCKS

I WISH I WAS DEAD!!

Day 73 Financial Merry-go-Round

Is still going around.  GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING RIDE!!!!!!

Day 72 Grateful

Have to remind myself of what I have not what I don't have.  Easier said than done.

Day 69 I just plain give up

Enough said.  Can't get off this ride. 

Day 68 Thy Will Be Done

Do with me as you will. Give me the strength.

Day 67 Happy Birthday America

Happy Shit Day to me. Another day on this crazy ride that I can't get off of.  When will it stop.  WHEN??

Day 66 St. Jude Help Me...

...PLEASE.  SHOW ME HOW I CAN PAY BACK.  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!!

Day 65 What does today have in store for me?

What will come my way today?  Only God knows.  Just hope to go with the flow.

Day 64 Things Are As Bad As They Seem

I need a full time job.  I and working more and making less.  Does that make any sense?  I am not drinking.  I am sober.  I get it.  When will I catch a break.  60 years old and I am miserable.  I know others have it worse than me.  I do appreciate what I do have.  I don 't want a lot of money.  I just want to get off this mad ride. 

Day 63 Things Not As Bad As It Seems

At least for right now, at this moment in time.  Happy Saturday to me.

Day 62 My Life Sucks

Enough said.  Nothing changes.  Time to end it all.

Day 61 God Help Me

STOP THIS STRESSING.  PLEASE HELP ME!!! OR END IT FOR ME.  SHOW ME THE WAY.  YOUR WAY.  LET ME IN ON THE PLAN. 

Day 60 Thy Wiil Be Done

Thy will not my will. Help me do thy will.  I am done fighting.  I surrender.

Day 59 what did he mean by that?

Was told my job at the nonprof was being reduced by hours and pay and possibly eliminated by end of July.  Admin Asst not needed.  Get email saying.very busy day and will be missed at conferece.  What is up with that?  Shades of Capital One?  Can't and won't think about it.

Day 58 Thy Will Be Done

God do with me what you will. Let me in on the plan if you choose to.

Day 57 Still Sober

and still robbing Peter to pay Paul.  The beat goes on.  The merry-go-round continues and won't let me off the ride.  When will this nightmare end? 

Day 56 & the Saga Continues

I just can't believe my life.  Just can't.  Why is she still advertising?  Go figure.  Need to end it all.  That's one way to get off this fucking ride.   Sick of even writing this blof.

Day 55 and the Hits Just Keep Coming

So, my job with the nonprof is coming to some kind of slow down or end in July.  I can'r seem to catch a break.  They won't let me off this fucking ride.  The money stress continues, but hey, I am still sober.  Is that because I have no money for booze or I want to stay sober?  That is the question. 

Day 54 SOBER, SOBER, SOBER

Enough said or more like BORING, BORING,  BORING.

Day 53 What to Do?

How do I get myself painted into corners?  Why, why why?

Day 52 - Still Sober and My Life Still Sucks

I am grateful, but not as grateful as I should be.  I am working at 2 jobs that I abolutely hate.  I just wish I could just disappear.  Just not exist anymore.  I am so tired of this fucking life.  Do not have the courage to end it.  God keeps waking me up every morning.  I am depressing myself even further. 

Fwd: Day 51 Still Want Off the Merry-go-round!!!

The money beat goes on and on and on.  When does it stop?  When I kill myself?  God won't do it.  I keep waking up to more fucking misery. 

Day 50 the Sober Beat Goes On

Worked at the yarn store yesterday.  Several times I wanted to quit.  I did't.  Have tell my other job about this job.  Don't know how that will go.

Day 49 Still Have the Job?

Past 2 weeks have been strange.  Still sober though.  Go figure.

Day 48 and the Merry-go-Round

Keeps on going round and round.  STOP THIS RIDE.  I WANT FUCKING OFF!!!

Day 47 Crazy Thoughts

My mind is all over the place with negative thoughts.  Imagining this scenario and that scenario.  Will see how it goes today.  GOD, THY WILL BE DONE.  YOUR WILL IS MY WILL.

Day 46 Still Sober!

Things going some what good.  Why can't I be grateful.  Why all this negativity? 

Day 45 Still Sober

Well today is my "try out" day at the yarn store.  I hope I blow their socks off.  I want a drink, but I can't blow this opportunity.  To get this far has certainly built my confidence.  I have not told anyone about this job.  Being suoerstitous. 

Wanted a drink yesterday too, but made it to midnjght!

Day 44 - Somebody Kill Me!

I am working with Dictators who are idiots.

Day 43 Who Cares?

9 more hours to get through.  Who cares?

Fwd: Day 42 and so It Begins All Over AGAIN!!!

The money merry-go-round keeps going and going.  I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE.  FUCK.  FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.  TIME TO END IT.  Hey, but I am still sober.  Money, money, money.  What I don't have.  I am so FUCKUNG tired of this

Day 40 Enough Said

Nothing to say.  Today I am living in the moment.  It has been a long and trying/testing week.  It is only Thursday. 

Day 39 Cable is Still On

I don't get it.  God made me wake up today.  Another day to be grateful to slay the demons. 

UPDATE:  The cable was cut!  Shut it down at 8:35 AM EST.  I was bummed about it.  But, nothing I can do until Friday when I get my measly paycheck.  Guess I will be doing a lot of reading.

Day 38 Job Interview Today

Still sober.  God watching out for me?  Sure hope so.  Interview at a yarn shop.  Luck changing?  Sure hope so.  What journey will today bring?  Yesterday's journery took me some place I never thought I would go.  Set out on my usual Monday morning on a walk to work.  ATM card not approved at McDonald's.  Was approved at the smoke shop.  Hmmm.  Joe bought me a cup of cofffee.  Over drawn at the bank.  Hmmm.  How could things get worse?  Cried and cried feeling sorry for me.  Ended the day up in church.  Worked up the nerve to go to confession and asked for forgiveness for my sins for the past 30-years.  Boy, did not plan or think that would happen!  I was absolved of my sins.  Did I feel better?  I don't know.  I do feel different.  Is this what serenity feels like?  It has been so, so long since I have felt that.  I think it has been so long that I have felt any thing.  My cable us going to be cut off today and I am not in a panic.  I can pay it Friday, but not today.  So why stress about something I can do nothing about until Friday. 

Day 37 St. Jude Please.Help Me

Help me to stay sober today.  Today and tomorrow is going to be a test.  Help me get through it.  PLEASE.  GIVE ME THE STRENGTH. 

Day 35 White Knuckling Here

Sober.  Restless.  5 hours to midnight.  Will make it.  Life still sucks. 

Day 34 Still

Calendar is off on this blog like every thing in my life is off.  Just when you think things can't get more sucky, they do.

Day 34 Same Old Shit

I am still here.  Why?  I am so tired of asking the same thing.  I am even sick and tired of myself posting the same old shit.  this is insanity.  I am fucking nuts.

Day 30!!!!

Can't believe it.  Still sober.  Still have major issues, but still sober.

Day 28 - Almost 29

I give up.  Losing track of time.  Probably losing track of my mind.

Day 27 SOBER SOBER SOBER

Still miserable.  Maybe I won't wake up tomorrow.  Wouldn't that be nice.  Will I be missed?  I think not

Day 26 Feeling Strange

Went to an event last night.  Chinese food.  Woke up this morning in a cold soaking sweat around 3:30 am.  Felt like someone threw a bucket of water on me.  Felt sick to my stomach.  From the Chinese food?  Don't know.  Forced myself to throw up and then went back to bed.  Got up around 6:45 am.  Felt a little better.

Boss wants to cut my check and pay me tomorrow or Tuesday.  WTF?  I need my money and I need it now.  Cuts me a check before he leaves.  Still do not have enough to pay my bills.  What to do?  At this moment in time, I don't give a fuck about it.  I am just too tired to think about it.  If I could get a job, even part time, that would relieve the stress, but no job in sight.  I have applied just about every where.  I would like to end it all, but I do not have the "balls" to do it myself.  I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.  Heading for a AA meeting at 5:30 today.  What good these meetings do me?  I don't know.  I do as they say and "just keep coming." 

Day 25 Yahoo?

Really, who gives a fuck.  No one.  Need a job. So sick of this same old shit day, after fucking day.  Hey, but I am sober.  Big fuck.  Who cares?  Where is this spirituality?  Why the fuck am I still here?

Day 24 Still Here

Enough said.  I surrender.  Surrender to what?

Day 21 -Yeah

World is cumbling abound me, but hey, I am sober.  Made it to 21 days minus the nip I had last tuesday.  I am not counting that.  I only had one (all that I could afford),  Nothing before or since the past 21 days.  I wanted to end up dead today, but no I woke up.  I guess God has other plans for me.  I just wish he would let me in on the secret.  This one day at a time thing is getting to me.

Day 20 - Yea, Yea I Know

Today is the day. Doing our best, living each day to the fullest is the art of living.
Yesterday is gone, and we don't know whether we will be here tomorrow.
If we do a good job of living today, and if tomorrow comes for us,
then the chances are we will do a good job when it arrives --
so why worry about it?

- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 357

 

 

Everything in life is temporary.  So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever.

 

And if things are going bad, don't worry.  It can't last forever either.

Day 19 Applying for Welfare Benefits Today

Don't know if I will get approved.  If not, will go out and find a cardboard box and stakeout a spot on the Boston Common for my future home.  Hey, I am still sober!  The better to enjoy the great outdoors.  Wishing myself luck. 

Day 18

Enough said.  Just too tired.  Still have a meeting at 8 pm to go to.

Day 17 Still Sober But Done

I give up.  I do not give a fuck any more.  Que sera sera.  I am tired of worring and stressing about every thing.  I am either going to blow my rent and go on a final bender and go out in a hell of a drunken blaze if no glory or go out and throw myself in front of a bus.  But I don't think I can,do that to the people who will find me or the poor bus driver just doing their job.

Day 16 Still Here

GOD WHY AM I STILL HERE.  DO YOU NOT HEAR MY PAIN?  Another fun filled day to slay the demons. 

Day 15 I WANT A DRINK!

I WANT A DRINK, I WANT A FUCKING DRINK!! I WANT IT FUCKING NOW!!  GOD KILL ME NOW!!

Day 14 Stll Here Waiting for a Miracle

If I could sleep would be a miracle.  It is torture of every hour of every day that I am here and awake.  Want a drink.  Still sober.  Don't know how or why.  I am hungry.  Do not o stealing fruits from one of my AA meetings.  My cable is about to be shut off.  Oh well, I am still sober.  Really to get to enjoy my misery full blown.  Nothing to numb the pain of my so called shitty life.  Hey, but I am sober. Big fucking deal. 

Well, I guess I will have more time to attend more AA meetings.

Day 13 Dire Straights Are Here

Need a miracle today.  I am alive, some what healthy, and sober.  That I guess is a miracle.  A gift from God.  Like I said yesterday, I am done.  Can no longer put up a fight.  I can get up anymore.  I am being humbled.  Just need to get through today.  THY WILL BE DONE.

Day 12 Miracle Needed Today

Enough said.  Still sober.  20 more hours to get through.  I TOTALLY SURRENDERED yesterday.  I am done.  I am toast.  Can no longer fight it.  God, do with me what you will.  It is YOUR will not mine. 

Fwd: Day 11 Still Sober

I missed/skipped Day 10 of my blog.  I did't skip or miss the battle or the demons.  They were most certainly there for me to deal with.  As they are now.

It is 2 am.  I thought it was 5 am.  The good thing is I have a.couple of more hours that I can sleep than I thought or not.

I need to find a job that is going to pay me more so I can live and nor just exist from paycheck to paycheck.  I hate the job I have and all the negative, sarcastic remarks and comments from the asswhole boss who is a micromanager.

Arrrrgh.....

Day 9 and the Beat, I Mean the Battle Goes On

18 hours to get through.  It is Monday back to the salt mines.  The only good thing is the Cats are away.  This mouse can play, but they left me with mazes to run through.  No cheese at the end for a reward. 

Guess I am full of metaphors today.  Well off to slay my demons. 

Day 8 Is Here

Up at 4 am.  Sleep, sleep.  My kingdom for some sleep (to paraphrase Shakesphere).  So tired.  Just wish I could sleep. 

Just 19 hours to get through for today.  Today is Sunday.  7 more hours until the liquor stores open.

Spent 3 hours last night working on a project for work. Time that I will not be paid for.  Well I guess I can add it to a portfolio that I should be building.

Well back to the Law & Order marathon.  Contemplate my life between commercials.

The battle continues...

Day 7 The Circus is Hiring!

Can you believe Adecco staffing is interviewing for positions for the circus.  I am overqualified.  There goes my plan to run away to join the circus.  Hurry on down to 99 Summer Street today before all the jobs go to the 20-year olds who do not speak English and are here on a green card. 

Hey, but I am sober and have 16 more hours to Day 8.  Can hardly wait to get through this miserable battle.

Day 6 and So the Battle Goes On

Been up since 3 am.  Can't sleep.  Is that so I can spend more waking hours slaying my demons?  Is this what I have to look forward to in sobriety? 

Just one day at a time.  So the tell me.  18 more hours to Day 7.  Guess I just need to concentrate on the next hour.

I just wish I could FUCKING quit smoking.

Day 5 A New Day The Same Battle

...that will never end.  Just another 12.5 hours of misery to get through and then I get to start the battle all over again!  Let me see if I can get through until 9 am.  Liquor stores open then.

Financial worries do not help the battle.  Collection calls add to the stress.  Just want to run into traffic.  Need help but do not know where to turn or what to do. So I do nothing. 

Almost 17 hours to get through to Day 6.

Day 4 The Misery Continues

Well I did get some of my money back.  DOR kept $320.  Still do not have enough to pay my bills.  Do not know what I am going to do.  The kicker in all this was I was also charged $100 fee for all this stress fun.  Not sure who got the fee.  The bank or DOR?  Sure go after the poor working stiff.  Never mjnd the big time tax cheats.  Have a fucking, wucking day Chikky. 

Day 3 and the Misery Continues

I am still here.  Went out around 2 am for a cigarette butt run.  Isn't that pathectic and disgusting.  Smoked them though.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  Going to try to go back ti bed. 

Day 2 again

Spent yesterday afternoon roaming the streets of the North End picking up cigarette butts and looking for an AA meeting that I could not find.  I do not know what today is going to bring.  Just so tired.  I just wish I could disappear.

Day 1 Again (Yes, Again)

What is there to say.  Too tired to write or fight.  I am going to have to tell my sister and I would rather eat shit than tell her.

Day 1 Again

Had a drink yesterday.  It did not make my problems go away.  Just made them worse.  Today is the day I end it all?  Too chicken to try?  I am just so tired.  It is getting harder and harder to get up after the punches.

Day 10 Part 2

God, why didn't you let me die that day last fall when I gave myself a subdural hematoma when I fell down drunk.  Blackout.  Doozy of a lump on the left side of my head. 

The hits just keep coming.  Thank you Commonwealth of Massachusetts Department of Revenue.  You may have just pushed me over the edge of my fucking cliff. 

Like Freddie Cannon sang:  "Goodbye cruel world I am off to join the circus...."  The Big Apple Circus is in town.  Maybe I will join them.  My luck, they won't want me.  I can't even get a job cleaning shitty toilets.

Day 10 Still Sober!

Things are suppose to be getting better.  Still waiting.  Answered 2 Craig List postings for sewing gigs.  Being hopeful, but keeping my expectations low.

Need to make things happen  but I am stuck.  Do not know what to do. Just spinning my wheels.  Getting nowhere fast.  Well I am still sober.  Been up all night worrying.  Trying to figure my way out of the mess that I call my life.

Beginning Day 9 So Far Sober

It is only 5:30 am.  Only have 18.5 more hours to go to make it to day 10.  But who is counting.  Just need to make it through the next 3.5 hours.  That is when the liquor stores open.  Ha Ha. 

I am hungry.  I have 3 oranges that I stole from my AA meeting last night.  That will be breakfast and lunch.  This FUCKING disease has reduced me to stealing food and toliet paper!  I can see why junkies (i am one) steal to feed their habit.  I had the money to pay my bills, but I spent it on booze.  Where did that get me?  The high is gone and the bills are still there. 

Well I surrender.  I am totally done.  Can't do this shit any more.  All I want to do is just disappear.  Just not exisit.  Just fade away.

They keep telling me in AA that things will get better.  For me, the hits just keep on coming.  Let's see what exciting adventures await me today. 

I guess God is making me see another day.  Just another 13 hours until Day 10.

Have a good one.

Day 8 - Where Do I Go Fom Here

Can't get any lower.  Or can I?  How much lower can I go.  I will be living on the streets soon.  That has to be lower.  Imagine, $300 is what is keeping me beteen having a roof over my head and living in the park.  I might as well go out and have a drink or just kill myself.  Both will accomplish the same thing.  I will be dead, stress of making it through another 24-hours of misery over!  Choices, choices.

Day 7 Can Not Believe It

God grant me the serenity to accept the things  I can not change; courage to chamge the things I can:  and the wisdom to the know the difference.

Some times this works, some times it doesn't.  Today it does not.

Day 6 Another Day of Misery

What more can I say.  Not much.

Day 5, but Who is countinng.

My 5th day of misery.  Pray, and pray, but the hits just keep coming.  Why am I still here?  Can it get any worse?  Yes it can, and it does.  Like I said, the hits, just keep coming.  One minute, one hour, one day the punch is going to come that I will/don't/won't/can't get up.

Day 4 and still sober

for now.  My mind is like a roller coaster. It is up and down.  I feel so broken and I do not know how to fix me. I NEED A FUCKING JOB.  CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?  I NEED A JOB!!!!!!

Today Begins Day 3

Jt is 5 am.  Why am I still here. Another 24-hours of misery to get through.  This one day at a time sucks. Live in the moment.  Yeah, right.  Just give me a drink or kill me.

Day 2 and No Drinking!

Need to work on the smoking.  Sobriety is not easy.  So tired.  No money either.  Going to pass on that interview tomorrow.  One hour travel time each way.  Just need to come up with $300 in the next couple of days.  Anyone willing to help?  I think not.  I will becoming homeless.  I will die out on the streets.  I have been thinking about doing myself in.  Why prolong the inevitable?

I have an Interview on Friday!

Too bad it is for a company located in Quincy. It will cost me $7 per day (round trip).  That is $40 per week.  The most that will be offered it $18 per hour.  That is what I am making now and I am only working part-time.  This will be a full time gig.

Happy Easter to Me

All the friends that I have, not one invitation to dinner.  Had a cheese sandwich.  Processed cheese at that.  Got to stop feeling sorry for myself and start making things happen.  Positive things.

Why is someone from I spy and Cheaters looking at my blog. I am not cheating on anyone.   I am an honest 60 year old woman trying to find a job,  in serious, financial hardship problems.  Will be homeless soon,  That means I will be dead.  Will not survive the streets.  Only option out is to kill myself.  All  I WANT is too WORK!!!  I have been beaten down on the floor.  I used to be able to come up.  BUT, I am tired and just want to go to sleep and never wake up.  The problem is I wake up another day, with a lot of WTF!!, why am I still here. 

Why does NOT google ad appear on my my blog?

On my way to meet someone from

Craig's List to sell my unused pantyhose.  How crazy is that?

So, is today the day...

...i get fired?  The Boss is back.  Want a drink so bad.

My Life is Going Down The Toilet

I am losing control of everything.  My life is a mess. The only thing that will stop all of this pain is to end it all.  I just can not go on like I am doing and I don't know what to do to fix it.

Why is Harder to Quit Smoking....

...than it is to quit drinking?  I just can't stop smoking for more than an hour.  It just consumes my every waking thought.  I can quit drinking for a couple of days with out the obession.  What is it?

It is Monday Again!

I have gone two whole days without a drink.  Let me amend that.  I found some bottles that I had hidden in a drawer that had a little bit of booze left in them (I keep finding empty bottles everywhere).  Combined them all together and just barely filled a cap of one of the bottles.  I drank it.  Did nothing for me.  Still sober.  Picking up cigarette butts in the street.  Smoking them.  I am on a real trip aren't I?  Well today is going to be an adventure.  Let see where it will go.  Just hope that I do not drink today. 

It's Sunday. Weekends Fly By!

Well today is Day 2 of not drinking.  I have a 7 PM AA meeting tonight.  It is also my first day of not smoking.  I have to stop drinking and smoking for health reasons, but I do not want to give either one of them up.  BUT, I must.  I have no money to buy either booze or smokes.  I am a drunk and I admit it.  I have spent all of my money on booze and cigarettes and now I can not pay my bills. I am on my way to being homeless.  I need to find another job, but no one wants to hire a 60 year old.  I can't even get a job at McDonalds.  No unless I was under 40 and spoke little or no English. 

Need to start blogging again

My life is such a mess.  I need to get my head on straight.  My life needs to be turned around.  I know what I want.  I just do not know how to get there. I am lost and I am getting in my own way.

Boy, oh boy. What to do?

So tired.  Going back to bed.  Go to my 2:30 meeting.  A lot of good it is doing me