Day 488 - TGIF?

Would be if I had a job.  Oh well, so tired of whining about the same thing over and over.  I am giving myself a headache and agita.

Day 486 Yeah, I am Still Here

don't know what to do.

Day 484 Beginning of another work week...

...and still no job. This is driving me nuts. I know it is only a month since I have been in Key Largo, but I have been out of work since February. That short term assignment I had from April through June does not really count. Out of money, can't pay my cell phone bill. Will need to ask my sister. How can I? She has done so much for me already. I want to WORK. What the hell is wrong with me? Why won't anyone hire me? I can't even get a call back down here. God, I am slowly going insane. Even the dog is barking at me? Drinking will not solve the problem. Killing my self will. As the old cliche goes: that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Heard from Mike AA back in Boston. He and Mark AA are driving down to Key West on Thursday night. They are going to stop by here sometime on Saturday. Self hatred and negative thoughts are bouncing around in my head. I can not make the voices stop this morning. Killing myself will.

Day 483 Need a Job

Seriously, all I want is a simple job to pay for my meager bills. I am grateful for everything I have. God, is my having a job giving my life meaning? No job = suicide? What the fuck am I  doing here except sucking up air? No job = useless = suicide. God help me. Ran out of money. Sponging off of others. I am so morose today. Snap out if it!  Feeling sorry for myself.

Day 481 - I Need a Fucking Job!

Enough said.

Day 481 What am I doing Here?

I don't mean Florida. I mean what am I doing here on this planet? My depression is starting to come back. I don't know. Geographical change is not the answer. I am finding that out. What the fuck is wrong with me? God, is having a job really that important? I will never find the answer on how to fix myself. Some days I just wish I could just disappear. Key to Serenity: And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. Needed to be reminded of the above. Acceptance for me is everything.

Day 478 Still No Job

Well still no job. Moved down here and changed my whole life around. Acceptance. That is the key. Accept the things I can not change and courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Ha! Easier said than done. The one thing that I want and I think I need is a job. Not finding it here. I know it is almost a month that I have been here and I need to give it time. I would have been perfectly happy in Boston if I had a job. But I can not go back there. I am here in Florida. There is a plan in the works. I just don't know what that plan is. Everything happens for a reason. No coincidences in God's world. I don't know anything anymore. Just rambling here. I know that I am grateful to be here. If I stayed in Boston, I would be in a homeless shelter right now. Have to be grateful for what I have, not wishing for things that I don't. Still it is frustrating. I am human and I have feelings. Only a month and already starting to feel complacent. Need to stop that. Got to remember where I was and where I was headed. I am in a much better place right now.

Day 475 - Did I Make A Mistake?

Am I starting to regret moving here? I think so. Nothing I can do about that now. I am really having to humble myself now. I got up at 7 AM this morning. Wasn't sure to let the dog out or not. Did not want to upset her routine. She started barking and growling. I was told that is was OK to let her out of the cage. Lesson learned. Now my brother-in-law is aggrivated that the dog wants to go into the backyard. I go out there to smoke and the dog thinks that I her personal door opener. I can see where they are trying to teach her a routine. I don't know it. It is going to be the little things like this that are going to drive me nuts. I am trying to be not intrusive as possible. I wish I had a job. That would get me out of here and out of everyone's way.

Day 472 - What to Do

Need a job. My same old song and dance. Changing locations has not changed that old broken record. God it is hot here. Have to stay inside where it is cool. Remember the serenity pray: accept the things I can not change. My emotions have been all over the place. Missing Boston, not missing Boston. First I am up and then I am down. My bills have followed me here. Going to take a walk, but it is so hot and those mosquitoes are terrible. Yes, I know whine, whine, whine, whine. Need to get it off my plate somehow. I do not need to build resentments. Not use to this dependency thing. So far, I have not gotten on anyone's nerves. I think my sister is trying to make me happy. She keeps asking me if I am ok. It is not her job to make me happy. I am happy, but I am feeling restless. Today makes 21-days that I have been here. The routine has been set in motion. I am once again rambling all over the place. I am grateful for everything that I have. Do not know what I want. Never did know what I wanted. Probably never will. Oh well.

Day 471 Feeling a Bit Strange Today

I am not sure what is going on with me. Just feeling strange. Restless is more like it. I want to do something and then I do not want to do anything. My mail from Boston is starting to arrive. The real world is catching up with me. Bills, bills and more bills. All I want to do is smoke cigarettes. The thoughts of drinking keep coming into my head. I am just rambling here. Maggie is back from Doggie day care. She has been unusually quiet. Well that is all for now. I am even to restless to even ramble on here. God what do I want to be when I grow up? Will I ever grow up? Peter Pan Syndrome.

Day 470 - Nothing Much to Say Today

....very tired today. Job hunting, so the beat goes on.

Day 469 Adjustments, Adjustments

Well the trip to Key West was a trip. Two and half hours down and two and half hours back. It was a hot, long day. Lillie complained all day long. So did I and so did Brad. Did nothing but eat or should I say, God love him, did Brad eat. For a skinny guy, that man can eat. Good for him. We walked up and down and saw all of the vendors at the Lobster Festival. It was the usual arts and crafts: jewelry, food, and more food. Lillie got excited about some photo frames we saw. She is going to try to attempt to make them. We are looking for something to sell at a fair. Myself, I can seem to focus on what to sell. I am settling into some sort of routine. I have my little room here and my computer. Grateful for little things. I am grateful for everything that I do have. I am trying not to build resentments. I know I am not back in Boston. I do miss the freedom of doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to, but I do not have that luxury right now. I guess I miss my independence more than I miss Boston. I am going to have to adjust to that for now. Things do change. Boy do things change. I just do not want to become a burden to anyone. I just love going out into the backyard to just sit, breathe and think/meditate. My little friends, the salamanders, the butterflies, and the squirrels just wandering around. Maggie is at doggie day care and I miss her not sitting with me there. Funny how quickly you can grow attached to someone like a dog. Who would of thought. Those dam mosquitoes just spoil the whole thing. Can't stay out too long or they will bite you to death. I guess I am just rambling here. Not making any sense. But this is the only place that I can let my thoughts go without any judgement or comments from anyone. A way to let my resentments go.

Day 468 - Going to Key West Today

We are heading for Key West today. Love that place. Especially the sunset at Mallory Square. I think we are going to be checking out the Arts & Crafts show to see what we can incorporate in our business. I would really like to get that business off the ground running. I was going to write something negative about that, but I am not going to. Must be positive. Went to my AA meeting last night at the Rusk Club. I think I found my new home group. Brad, Lillie and I went to the Sons and Daughters of Italy Club last night to play bingo. Brad won $10. I did have fun. I almost won. Then we went to Category 3 for dinner. Came home. I was in bed by 11. Did not sleep much. Twist and turned all night. I have not had a good night's sleep in over a year. Gee, I wonder why.

Day 467 - TGIF! Yahoo!!

Today will be 17 days in Florida! But who is counting? LOL. Getting ready for an 8 am online AA meeting. I do miss my Boston AA meetings. Not as home sick as I thought I would be. We went to my Sister's home owners meeting last night. When we came back, Maggie the dog, chewed into the crocheting that I was working on. The piece couldn't be saved. At first I was upset at first, but tried not to show it. I was not the dog's fault. I should not have left it on the sofa for her to get at it. She was only being herself. That is what dogs do. They chew things. I just let it go, what purpose would it have served to get angry over it. None.

Day 466 - Will Wonders Never Cease

Good news: got my laptop back up and running. Had to reformat the hard drive in order to do it. Bad news: I lost all of my files and all of the software that I had installed. Well I guess I can't have it all. Just have to recreate or reinstall everything. Another good thing is that I have most of my files on my flash drive. I took a walk yesterday to the Circle K gas station to buy cigarettes (yeah, I know I need to quit). It was about 1.6 miles to and from home and took me about 45-minutes to walk it. It was really hot at that time of the day (around 2:30 PM). I need to do it either early in the morning or later in the day when it is not so hot. I heard back from Gil from the State job board. He said that there is an opening for an office manager at the Vocational Rehab in the building that he is working in. He is going to submit my resume and try to get me an interview. I also applied for a clerical job up at Ocean Reef (North Key Largo, where I am told all of the rich people live). We will see where that goes. Gil told me that it is not unusual down here to not hear back from any of the jobs that I apply to.

Day 465 Still Looking for a Job

Sounds like the mantra I sang back in Boston. I knew it was going to be tougher to finding a job here in Key Largo. Unemployment rate is at 11% here. Why do I feel like such a loser that I can not support myself? I am trying to look on the positive side of things. I am now living in a beautiful part of the world with a family that loves me. Oh, I know they love me! I was slowly dying in Boston. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and a clean place to sleep. Got to keep remembering to be thankful for the things that I have. I wanted the simple life, well now I have it. I just do not want to be a burden to anyone. I want to make my contribution.

Day 465 "Stuff" is Here

Well most of all my stuff made it to Florida. Even my broke laptop. Only one thing did not make it and that was a small rattan bookcase. No big loss. We spent most of the day watching them unload the truck and putting it into storage. Thankful for small things. Went to my second AA meeting at First Baptist Church last night. This meeting is not for me. It is mostly bible thumping and that seems too much for me. I am not being critical of the meeting. It is just not for me. The religious thing kept me away from AA for a long time. I think this type of meeting will send me back to drinking. Today is Tuesday. Will be looking for a job. The thing I really want, I can't seem to get. But, who am I to complain. I am being blessed every single day. I just can not believe how happy I am even without a job. Things will work out. Not to the way I would like it to be, but it will work out.

Day 464 My "Stuff" Made It To Florida

We got a call from the movers yesterday. My "stuff"  from Boston will be arriving today between 10 and 12. Will be curious how much of my stuff made it down here.

I have about 12 feet of belongings. The moving company said that it wlll be arriving on an 18-wheeler. That may be problem. The storage place said they could only accommodate a 24 foot truck. Brad took a ride out to the storage place and spoke with someone there. There shouldn't be a problem they said. We shall see. Any way you look at it, it means more money.

Day 463 Today Makes 11 Days

...that I have been in Key Largo. I still can't wrap my head around that I am living here. I am not going back to Boston.

Yestersday, we went up to Kendell to get Brad some glasses. It turned out to.be an all day affair.  All three of us got new glasses.

Still trying to find my way to fit in around here. I know it is only 11 days. I am still feeling like I don't belong.

I am trying to fit into the AA network down here. I have found meetings on Monday and Fridays that I like. Need to keep attending them to make friends. I need to get in touch with some of my Boston friends today to let them know I landed safely and that I am still sober.

Day 461 - Don't Know What to Say Today

Thoughts of Boston come creeping in to my head, but not in the way I expected. I still can't believe that I am in Key Largo. it all seems like a dream. Well back to the job boards for this morning. Then this afternoon more research on the crafting business.

Day 460 Still Grateful

Grateful. That above all things, I am grateful. To be alive, to be living in a fantastic part of the world. I am not going to complain or whine about anything if I can help it. I am human and will feel emotions. Looking for a job. But that was the same story in Boston. I think it is going to be a little harder down here to find a job. The unemployment rate is higher here. Like I said before. My full time job is to look for a job. I am really doing it half heartedly. I don't think I want to work in an office anymore. Need to find something to generate some income, but what? My sewing, and knitting, and crocheting would be ideal. Can I really make a living doing that? They say find a job that you love and you will not feel like you are working. I am going to do some research into trying to break into that field. After all, I did move 1,500 miles. Now is the time to start a new career!