Day 608 - God help me and save me

Well my worst fear has come true. Shelly and Nico will be permanently staying here. Not what I wanted. Guess I have to accept that fact. Nothing I can do about it. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change! Is that how the saying goes. I feel like I am slowly losing my mind., Acceptance is the key to all of my problems to day. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life that is unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place thing or situation as being exactly the way it is suppose to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober, unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes. I am 62 years old, why do I HAVE to change. Well I need to accept that this is the way things are going to be here at xyz fishmonger lane. If I do not like it or can not adapt to it then I can leave and find something that will be more acceptable to me. So there it is: TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT! I am staying out of it!!!

Day 607 - OK, God you win....

....you proved who the Boss is. I give up. I am totally convinced. You are running the show. I am along for the ride. I am done. Help me accept it and swallow and suck up this doozy of a wallop you sent my way. Give me patience and humility, detachment and generosity; give me Lord what is good for me which You alone know, for I do not know what is good for me I do not dare to ask. That my heart may be alert, my ears be attentive, my hands and mind active, and that I always may be ready to do Your Holy Will with Your grace. GOD, IT IS YOUR SHOW.

Day 606 - God help me

Spending time with family not working.  In Atlanta and almost took a swig out of Brad's beer last night. GOD HELP ME WHERE ARE YOU?  About to quit murder or hari kari. Need some kind of relief?

Fuck them all...

....the long and the short and the tall. FUCK THEM ALL!  LET IT GO!

Fuck, fuck, fuck....

....and more fuck!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE!!!???  My life sucks. God, what are you trying to FUCKING TELL ME??

Day 601 - Had a melt down yesterday!

God, WTF is wrong with me?

Day 599/Day 19 - MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!!!!

They just got here, and I am already counting down the days until they leave (yes, that is right 19 more days to go). I can understand Maggie for barking for someone invading her space. They are going to put her in a kennel for the week that we are gone to Atlanta. Wish I could find a kennel that I could live at for the next week. I am so not looking forward to this trip to Atlanta. Nico has a cough and a runny nose. Great, just what I need with my immune system. It is going to be the ride from hell tomorrow in the car to Atlanta. 12 fucking hours trapped in a car with 4 others. One of them coughing and dribbling his nose snot all over me. Yahoo,just want I wanted for Xmas. Yeah, Merry fucking Christmas! Maybe I will be getting my wish: catching pneumonia and dying in a hospital in Atlanta! "To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, he's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." Do you really believe this? (Talking to myself.)

Day 598 - Be Careful for what you wish for...

..have been praying that I was not here. Getting a cold, so it could turn into pneumonia and then I will be dead. I don't want to go that way. I just want to disappear. On a different note. Shelly and her son, Nico, made it here safe and sound yesterday. They are at the beach now. The dog does not like Nico at all. Just barks and barks at him. Lillie is going to keep her in her cage for the rest of this week (until we put her in the kennel tomorrow). We head for Atlanta on Saturday morning around 3 to 4 am. Yeah, I am really ready for a 12+ hour drive in a small SUV with 5-people in the car. Merry fucking Christmas!

Day 596 - Shelly Belly is heading this way

Brad's daughter made it to the airport in Baltimore. His mom and dad dropped her off there. Brad has been trying to get her on the phone,but she is not picking up the calls. He has to drive for an 1-1/2 hour to get to Ft. Lauderdale Airport to pick her up. Thinks he would feel better about the drive knowing that she is actually on the plane. Well we will see how this goes. I think it is off to a nutty start. 15 days of this, I don't know. I know that I am not perfect. Lillie and Brad are arguing over her and other things. Things are not starting off well. I am staying in my room today. I can't deal with conflict. Acceptance is the key to all my problems today. Have to keep telling myself that.

Day 596 - Christmas is Coming....

.....and there is nothing I can do about it. I am dreading it. Going to Atlanta, Shelly arrives tomorrow. I don't want to go to Atlanta. I don't want Shelly to come. I don't want to be here. I miss Boston. I really do, but I don't want to be there either. What the fuck do I want? I just do not want to be HERE in this world. It is just too much work. It is exhausting just thinking about it. I guess I will get through this, but I don't know what I will be like on the other end. Just as selfish and dissatisfied as I am right now I suppose.

Day 592 - Friday the 13th!

Lillie and Brad came back Wednesday night from PA. All and all things went well for both them and me. They did run into a lot of snow up North but fared well and and made it back home safely. Me and Maggie also did well. The dog was really good for me. Although on Thursday night I let her out in the back yard and she started to chase something out there. Not sure what it was, but I saw Maggie scale half way up an 8 foot fence. It kind of scared me because she would not listen to me and would not come back into the house. Eventually whatever she was chasing left and she calmed down and came into the house. Brad's daughter Shelly will be arriving next week with her 4-year old son for Christmas. Shelly has a long sad story. She is a single mother of a 4-year old. Had a baby in July/August which she gave up for adoption. She is in worse shape than I ever was. She needs a lot of help, but also needs to help herself. She has been enabled her whole life. I can not take her inventory. She needs a lot of help and a lot of work that we (Brad, Lillie and myself) are unable to give to her. Long story short: I do not want her to come. That I am sorry to say is the jist of it. Am I being selfish? Yes, I am. I am not in much better shape myself. Well in God's good time, we will see what happens. I have no control over that, so I must seek serenity in God's hands. Whatever will be, will be, que sera, sera.

Day 588 - It's just me and the dog!

Lillie and Brad are inflght to BWI on their way to Brad's grandfather's funeral.  Just me and Maggie.

The craft show was not to bad. Didn't make a lot of money. Came out ahead just little.  Lean from the mistakes and do better next time.

Home alone for three days. What to do?

Day 585 - Key Largo 1st Show Today

Well here it is 9:45 and I am just about ready to be told what to do. Today is our first craft show in Islamorada. God, do I want a cigarette. Ready to go on my part, just need folks to tell me what to do. It is going to be a long, long day. I hope we sell somethings. Hopefully we sell a lot of Lillie's things. That should make her feel better. Either way, I am not anticipating anything. Only will disappoint myself. Another disappointment to add to my list on why I want to kill myself. Yeah, those thoughts are still here, along with me counting each and every hour of every day until I can go to sleep. The sad part is each time I have gone to sleep, I have woken up the next day. Here's a morbid thought, as of 9:51 AM EST time this is how long I have been alive! Years: 62 Days: 22,704 Hours: 544,905 Minutes: 32,694,354 Seconds: 1,961,661,294 Amazing when you look at it from this point of view. Still morbid though.

Day 584 - What Now?

Brad's grandfather passed away yesterday. 101 years old, may he rest in peace. He is lucky. He is going home and gets to see the face of GOD. Brad and Lillie will be traveling to Pennsylvania next week. The funeral is scheduled for Monday. I will not be going. It will be just me and the dog here in the Keys. The display racks showed up yesterday. So it looks like it is a go for the show on Friday. Lillie and I packed up and tagged everything last night for us to sell at the show. What is today going to bring? Brad has lost his keys for the upteenth time. It it not very funny. He spends more time looking for his keys and wallet than doing things. So annoying. How does my sister stand it? I am not saying a word. Arrrrrrrrrh!

Day 583 - Still Here

Brad's grandfather is still in a holding pattern. He is in a hospice now. Taking some food and water, but not making any sense talking. We are getting ready for the craft show on Friday. We have a table at the Islamorada Christmas Tree Festival. Lillie and I have been making scarfs and shawls and other things since July. I have been doing some craft or other for about 10 hours a day, just about everyday. Keeping me sane I suppose. The display grids that Brad order has not arrived yet. He put a trace on it and it is suppose to be here tomorrow. Don't know what we are going to do if they don't show up. Our table at the booth will look terrible. Lillie and I did a dry run on how to display the Christmas ornaments we made. It does look good. This thing is either going to be a big bust or a hugh success. Only God knows. It is still in his hands. All this crafting has made me saner, not as crazy. Still thinking about ending it all. Locations have changed and there are some new methods to consider. Especially around mile maker 120. Brad's grandfather is 101. Doing this shit I am doing for another 40 years? I hope not.

Dave 581 - Another Monday

I am so tired. I am having an off day. Don't know what is wrong. Can't put my finger of what is bothering me. Or should I say what is bothering more than usual today. All I do is whine, and feel sorry for myself. Need to make changes happen or get off the shit pot and kill myself. Thinking up new ways to do it. Brad's grandfather is still in a holding pattern. Who whole family is holding the death vigil. Been there and done that. Don't want to do it again. Fuck, what is it with me?