Going to a new doctor today

Been looking for a GP doctor. Maybe this is the one,

Lving to see another day

God's is not done with me yet.

Oh Happy Day

Have nothing to say. Another 12 hours before I can go back to bed. This is going to be a long day.

All I want is a Cell Phone that Works...

a phone that works down here on this Rock. I can't stand it you would think I was on the dark side of the moon!. Well we go up to Miami this morning for a blood count test. Then we are off to the airport to pickup Janice C. She is coming in to see the dead woman walking. She leaves next Tuesday. God give me the strength to get through these next five days. Between Janice and my sister, I am in for a long, long lecture on where my life went wrong. Am I going to be able to keep my cool or and I going to erupt? It has been building up inside me for a long time. Some of it was leaking out up in St. Augustine. So I live to see another day.... How many more of them do I have?

LUNG CANCER: WTF Do you have in Store for me

I keep waking up, God. You have plans for me still. I am still here. What are your plans for me. Could you please let in on a little bit of it? Will I be here this time next year? Lung cancer. In remission. What is the purpose for me? What am I doing here. My life has to mean something, but what. I am at a loss at what to do. Just staying in this 12'x12' room. Is it time for me to move on my own? My sister has to be pretty tired of me by now. Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, Lung cancer, lung cancer, if i say or write it enough, will I really believe it? I am still having a hard time accepting this. What do they say are the 5 signs: Denial, anger, bargining, depression, acceptance. I think I am in the denial stage right now. I just can not accept the idea that I have lung cancer and I am going to die from that. I know I am being tolerant. My sister is saying things to me that I am reacting to, but not showing it. She called all the stuff I have in storage, "junk". That is my entire life's worth of junk. It is not so much "junk" that is is my life that is "junk". I just don't know what to do with myself day after day. It is the same old shit. Which brings me back to what is the purpose of all of this. Staying away from my sister today. She is not in a very happy mood. She is constantly not in a happy mood. She thinks her life sucks. Hates here job, hates everything. Always the "Gloomy Gus." Quick drinking. It is now just a little over 2.5 years that I have been sober. Boy I just want to go out there, and getso totally wasted that I never come back. But, then that would be committing suicide and my life insurance won't kick in and God won't let me in his house. I guess, I am just rambling on. Getting my frustrations out. I really don't have anyone to really listen to what I have to say except for God. and then I wonder if he is reallying listening. He must, I got lung cancer, what does that me.

The World Does Not Revolve Around You.

.........there are a billion or so people in this world. It just does not revolve around you. Your sister does not need to comfort you every single minute.

Be Careful What You Wish For...

....you just might get your wish. I was always wishing I were not here or dead or thinking of killing myself. Well have Stage V cancer. Got my wish in a way. Not a quick way to go, but I will be going sooner rather than later. I am no longer going to wish for anything. What God has in store for me for today, just hope he give me the strength to get through it. Got a doctor's appointment this morning. Finally getting a diagnosis today? We will see.

Day 757 - Yes, I am still fucking here

Fuck, fuck, fuck. My life fucking sucks. I should be grateful and thankful, but right now I am feeling the "Woah is Me" blues. Fuck Fuck Fuck

Day 694 - DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???

what the fuck are you doing to me? They are still here. Shelly and Nico are suppose to go back tomorrow. Shelly is just miserable here and Lillie is miserable that she is here. The whole house is full of tension. It is the same old fucking song and dance everyday. It is time to start playing a new record because this one is broke. GOD ARE YOU TESTING ME?!!!!!!!!!!WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???WHY???

Day 661 - Jumping Jospehaft!!

It that even a real word? Just love my life. It is just fucking peachy keen wonderful!!! Fuck me, fuck you, fuck everything. God why am I still here? What is the fucking purpose to my life. I keep saying and thinking it over and over and over again. Still no fucking answer. Maybe it is time to relapse and go back to the fucking bottle. Atleast I won't fucking care anymore. That is another good question: Why the fuck am I still sober???? I just wish somebody, any fucking somebody tell me! God, twenty-five more years of this fucking shit??

Day 661 - Yes! I am Still Fucking Here!!

Nothing changes or does it? Shelly and Nico moving back to Pennsylvannia? Stay tuned, film at 11!

Bah Hum Bug Fuck it

GOD, help me!!

Day 648 - Still Here

Nothing is changing, everything is changing. Went out to the beach two days this week. Need to get out there every day weather permitting (which is most days), Feeling restless, have the need to do something. Getting cabin fever? Lillie exploded the other day. Told everyone more or less to go to hell. Saw that coming. Nothing to prevent it. Went on a job interview. Don't think I will get this gig. They did not ask for references plus how would I get to the job. No car remember? Brad gave me a ride to the interview. Feeling trapped here. Back to thinking about ways to do myself in. How to end it all. One of these days I may just carry it through. Lillie going up to Atlanta middle of March to see Danni and family. Leaving me behind with the in-laws. That is going to be great. Maybe that will be the time to do myself in. I am so sick of myself talking like this. I would do something about it, but what the fuck do I do. Going out might help. Seeing other people. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Day 637 -God Where are You?

Just another day in Paradise!  Nico is sick?  Sixth day of baby sitting. His  nut case mother in a psych ward since last Tuesday. Is that for real?  Am I being selfish?  Full of questions. DEAR LORD, ANSWER ME OR GIVE ME A SIGN! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!!!

Day 633 - I am really going to kill myself

Shelly is on suicide watch  down in Marathon!  Really!  Guess who is watching the kid?  ME!!!  WTF?!! God WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF TEST IS THIS???

Day 625 - GOD, PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGHT

IF IT IS IN YOU PLAN FOR ME TO LIVE, PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO GET THROUGH THIS DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING CAN'T STAND IT ANY MORE! PLEASE EITHER KILL ME OR GIVE ME THE STRENGTH,

Day 624 - God, I am so tired

For a little while today, this place was crazy. It is calm now, but I am so tired. Going to lie down, hope I do not wake up.

Day 623 - Fuck I am Still Here

Keep praying not to wake up. Not working. Life goes on and on and on. God kill me now! It is almost 3 PM in the afternoon. My brother-in-law is suppose to building a "ladder" for my sister's shawl display for our show on Saturday. He has not done one iota of work on it. All three of them are just sitting around doing nothing. I am so fucking sick of this life. Jesus Christ CAN YOU HEAR ME! I WANT OUT OF THIS FUCKING SHIT. IS THIS A TEST? I DID NOT SIGN ON FOR A 4-YEAR OLD AND HIS DEADBEAT MOTHER. I HAVE BEEN WORKING SINCE I HAVE BEEN 12 YEARS OLD!! THAT IS 50 FUCKING YEARS. I WILL BE WORKING UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME. GOD, FUCKING KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 617- God Help Me and Save Me!!

Just counting the hours that I can go to bed. Doing nothing but equity sweat work for the craft show next week. Be careful what you wish for. You may just get it. I got it and I don't like it, but I have to deal with it. Maybe I will go to sleep tonight and not wake up.

Day 614 - God saved me for this?

I get up in the morning and count the hours that I can go to back to bed. This a life? This is the life I was saved for? God why? I wish I had the guts to kill myself. It is getting pretty close. I can drown myself at the beach or run across US Route 1. Those were options that I did not have up in Boston. I can get lost in the Everglades and hope I get eaten by crockodiles or aligators. All I ever wanted was a job that I earned enough to pay my rent and have the basics. A fucking job was all that I needed. God this is your plan for me? God I am so tired of this shit.

Day 611 - Sigh....Looks like they are staying

Shelly and Nico are going to be living with us. I have resigned myself to that fact, but it does not mean I have to like it. There's is something about Shelly that I just don't trust. Maybe it is because I was/am a junkie like her and that I do not believe she is committed to being sober. I can't say anything about it to anyone. I just do not want it to interfere with my sobriety. When I moved 1500 miles to be here, I did not sign up for a twenty-two year old addict and her 4-year old son. I can't blame Nico too much. He is only 4 years old. But he's is growing up and is a really, really smart kid. Sometimes he can be so lovable and cute and other times he can be so oooooh. I want to grab him by the scruff of his neck and thrown he out the window. Today, Shelly burst into my room. You took over the whole house, now you want to invade MY SPACE. NOT HAPPENING BITCH!!! This is going to be tough to accept. I just have to keep on praying for the acceptance. It is going to be a really big, hard pill for me to swallow. GOD, HELP ME AND SAVE ME!!

Day 609 - Happy Fucking New Year!!!

Acceptance. I keep telling myself that. Killing myself keeps popping up. Has been popping up for the past 62 years. Too chicken to do any thing about it. Just whine and complain. That is all that I am good for. Just keep on plugging on. Being grateful. Yes I am. So restless. Need some sleep I think. Just fucking rambling on. Another day, another day of not knowing why I am here. If I could get the answer to that questions, maybe I can stop this incessant noise in my head. Self centered? I must be. Why am I always complaining. What the fuck is it going to take to make me happy? Serenity and peace, where is it. God, please answer me or show me a sign or the way to begin the path. I am just so fucking tired.