Day 608 - God help me and save me

Well my worst fear has come true. Shelly and Nico will be permanently staying here. Not what I wanted. Guess I have to accept that fact. Nothing I can do about it. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change! Is that how the saying goes. I feel like I am slowly losing my mind., Acceptance is the key to all of my problems to day. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life that is unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place thing or situation as being exactly the way it is suppose to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober, unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes. I am 62 years old, why do I HAVE to change. Well I need to accept that this is the way things are going to be here at xyz fishmonger lane. If I do not like it or can not adapt to it then I can leave and find something that will be more acceptable to me. So there it is: TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT! I am staying out of it!!!

Day 607 - OK, God you win....

....you proved who the Boss is. I give up. I am totally convinced. You are running the show. I am along for the ride. I am done. Help me accept it and swallow and suck up this doozy of a wallop you sent my way. Give me patience and humility, detachment and generosity; give me Lord what is good for me which You alone know, for I do not know what is good for me I do not dare to ask. That my heart may be alert, my ears be attentive, my hands and mind active, and that I always may be ready to do Your Holy Will with Your grace. GOD, IT IS YOUR SHOW.

Day 606 - God help me

Spending time with family not working.  In Atlanta and almost took a swig out of Brad's beer last night. GOD HELP ME WHERE ARE YOU?  About to quit murder or hari kari. Need some kind of relief?

Fuck them all...

....the long and the short and the tall. FUCK THEM ALL!  LET IT GO!

Fuck, fuck, fuck....

....and more fuck!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE!!!???  My life sucks. God, what are you trying to FUCKING TELL ME??

Day 601 - Had a melt down yesterday!

God, WTF is wrong with me?

Day 599/Day 19 - MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!!!!

They just got here, and I am already counting down the days until they leave (yes, that is right 19 more days to go). I can understand Maggie for barking for someone invading her space. They are going to put her in a kennel for the week that we are gone to Atlanta. Wish I could find a kennel that I could live at for the next week. I am so not looking forward to this trip to Atlanta. Nico has a cough and a runny nose. Great, just what I need with my immune system. It is going to be the ride from hell tomorrow in the car to Atlanta. 12 fucking hours trapped in a car with 4 others. One of them coughing and dribbling his nose snot all over me. Yahoo,just want I wanted for Xmas. Yeah, Merry fucking Christmas! Maybe I will be getting my wish: catching pneumonia and dying in a hospital in Atlanta! "To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, he's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." Do you really believe this? (Talking to myself.)

Day 598 - Be Careful for what you wish for...

..have been praying that I was not here. Getting a cold, so it could turn into pneumonia and then I will be dead. I don't want to go that way. I just want to disappear. On a different note. Shelly and her son, Nico, made it here safe and sound yesterday. They are at the beach now. The dog does not like Nico at all. Just barks and barks at him. Lillie is going to keep her in her cage for the rest of this week (until we put her in the kennel tomorrow). We head for Atlanta on Saturday morning around 3 to 4 am. Yeah, I am really ready for a 12+ hour drive in a small SUV with 5-people in the car. Merry fucking Christmas!

Day 596 - Shelly Belly is heading this way

Brad's daughter made it to the airport in Baltimore. His mom and dad dropped her off there. Brad has been trying to get her on the phone,but she is not picking up the calls. He has to drive for an 1-1/2 hour to get to Ft. Lauderdale Airport to pick her up. Thinks he would feel better about the drive knowing that she is actually on the plane. Well we will see how this goes. I think it is off to a nutty start. 15 days of this, I don't know. I know that I am not perfect. Lillie and Brad are arguing over her and other things. Things are not starting off well. I am staying in my room today. I can't deal with conflict. Acceptance is the key to all my problems today. Have to keep telling myself that.

Day 596 - Christmas is Coming....

.....and there is nothing I can do about it. I am dreading it. Going to Atlanta, Shelly arrives tomorrow. I don't want to go to Atlanta. I don't want Shelly to come. I don't want to be here. I miss Boston. I really do, but I don't want to be there either. What the fuck do I want? I just do not want to be HERE in this world. It is just too much work. It is exhausting just thinking about it. I guess I will get through this, but I don't know what I will be like on the other end. Just as selfish and dissatisfied as I am right now I suppose.

Day 592 - Friday the 13th!

Lillie and Brad came back Wednesday night from PA. All and all things went well for both them and me. They did run into a lot of snow up North but fared well and and made it back home safely. Me and Maggie also did well. The dog was really good for me. Although on Thursday night I let her out in the back yard and she started to chase something out there. Not sure what it was, but I saw Maggie scale half way up an 8 foot fence. It kind of scared me because she would not listen to me and would not come back into the house. Eventually whatever she was chasing left and she calmed down and came into the house. Brad's daughter Shelly will be arriving next week with her 4-year old son for Christmas. Shelly has a long sad story. She is a single mother of a 4-year old. Had a baby in July/August which she gave up for adoption. She is in worse shape than I ever was. She needs a lot of help, but also needs to help herself. She has been enabled her whole life. I can not take her inventory. She needs a lot of help and a lot of work that we (Brad, Lillie and myself) are unable to give to her. Long story short: I do not want her to come. That I am sorry to say is the jist of it. Am I being selfish? Yes, I am. I am not in much better shape myself. Well in God's good time, we will see what happens. I have no control over that, so I must seek serenity in God's hands. Whatever will be, will be, que sera, sera.

Day 588 - It's just me and the dog!

Lillie and Brad are inflght to BWI on their way to Brad's grandfather's funeral.  Just me and Maggie.

The craft show was not to bad. Didn't make a lot of money. Came out ahead just little.  Lean from the mistakes and do better next time.

Home alone for three days. What to do?

Day 585 - Key Largo 1st Show Today

Well here it is 9:45 and I am just about ready to be told what to do. Today is our first craft show in Islamorada. God, do I want a cigarette. Ready to go on my part, just need folks to tell me what to do. It is going to be a long, long day. I hope we sell somethings. Hopefully we sell a lot of Lillie's things. That should make her feel better. Either way, I am not anticipating anything. Only will disappoint myself. Another disappointment to add to my list on why I want to kill myself. Yeah, those thoughts are still here, along with me counting each and every hour of every day until I can go to sleep. The sad part is each time I have gone to sleep, I have woken up the next day. Here's a morbid thought, as of 9:51 AM EST time this is how long I have been alive! Years: 62 Days: 22,704 Hours: 544,905 Minutes: 32,694,354 Seconds: 1,961,661,294 Amazing when you look at it from this point of view. Still morbid though.

Day 584 - What Now?

Brad's grandfather passed away yesterday. 101 years old, may he rest in peace. He is lucky. He is going home and gets to see the face of GOD. Brad and Lillie will be traveling to Pennsylvania next week. The funeral is scheduled for Monday. I will not be going. It will be just me and the dog here in the Keys. The display racks showed up yesterday. So it looks like it is a go for the show on Friday. Lillie and I packed up and tagged everything last night for us to sell at the show. What is today going to bring? Brad has lost his keys for the upteenth time. It it not very funny. He spends more time looking for his keys and wallet than doing things. So annoying. How does my sister stand it? I am not saying a word. Arrrrrrrrrh!

Day 583 - Still Here

Brad's grandfather is still in a holding pattern. He is in a hospice now. Taking some food and water, but not making any sense talking. We are getting ready for the craft show on Friday. We have a table at the Islamorada Christmas Tree Festival. Lillie and I have been making scarfs and shawls and other things since July. I have been doing some craft or other for about 10 hours a day, just about everyday. Keeping me sane I suppose. The display grids that Brad order has not arrived yet. He put a trace on it and it is suppose to be here tomorrow. Don't know what we are going to do if they don't show up. Our table at the booth will look terrible. Lillie and I did a dry run on how to display the Christmas ornaments we made. It does look good. This thing is either going to be a big bust or a hugh success. Only God knows. It is still in his hands. All this crafting has made me saner, not as crazy. Still thinking about ending it all. Locations have changed and there are some new methods to consider. Especially around mile maker 120. Brad's grandfather is 101. Doing this shit I am doing for another 40 years? I hope not.

Dave 581 - Another Monday

I am so tired. I am having an off day. Don't know what is wrong. Can't put my finger of what is bothering me. Or should I say what is bothering more than usual today. All I do is whine, and feel sorry for myself. Need to make changes happen or get off the shit pot and kill myself. Thinking up new ways to do it. Brad's grandfather is still in a holding pattern. Who whole family is holding the death vigil. Been there and done that. Don't want to do it again. Fuck, what is it with me?

Day 579 And so it begins

Another day. 12 hours before I can close my door.  Brad's grandfather is still hanging on. It is just a matter of when. I really do not want to go to PA.

Don't have much say over anything in my life right now.

Day 575 - Staying Put for Now

Brad's grandfather is no doing as bad as he was first told. He woke up this morning and was talking. No stroke. We are playing the wait and see what happens game on a daily basis. So life goes on as before day by day. I woke up today, so God is not done with me yet for today. 10-1/2 hours until I can go to bed. Pretty sad and pathetic, don't you think?

Day 574 / Day 42 - Life on Life's Terms

Guess Life is coming at me today. My friend Mike was down in Key West with his wife visiting a mutual friend. Mike wanted to stop by to say Hi on his way back to the airport for he and Michelle's flight home. I made an excuse that I was busy and couldn't meet with them. Long story behind that. Well Lillie tells me this morning that Brad's 101-year old grandfather had a stroke and is in the hospital. Looks like it might be time for the old gent. Brad wants to fly up right away, my sister wants to go with him. It is Thanksgiving week, so flights are going to be hard to get. There is talk of driving up (it will take about 20 hours). Also talk of taking me with them. It is not what I would like. Going up to Pennsylvania to see someone I don't know die, does not appeal to me. Lillie says they can't leave me "stranded" here because I have no car. So where am I going to end up? Am I going up to cold Pennsylvania or staying here in the Keys with the dog? Life is coming at me today. God, just because I told a lie to Mike, you are sending me a doozy of a payback. LOL. Stay tooned....film at 11.

Day 572 - Saturday

It is 5:45 am. Sitting in my room. I just love this alone time. Just as I love as it nears 10 pm each day. I can go to my room and shut the door on everything. Have TV, computer. Sleep. Ah, sleep. Something that I have not been able to do for a long time. Can not remember the last time that I have slept more than two hours straight. But that is OK I suppose. I keep waking up. That must mean something. I just wish I knew what. I just keep on repeating myself. Oh well, I will just try to enjoy the alone time. In a little while I will have to face the world again, in one form or another.

Day 571 - What the Fuck am I doing?

571 days without a drink and 39 days without a smoke. I want to drink and smoke until there is no more left of me, but no, I am staying sober and smoke free. For fucking what? I have been spending about 12 hours a day knitting, crocheting and sewing. All for this upcoming show in Islamorada. Will we sell anything. Right now, I don't fucking care. I am cross stitching a palm tree on a micro canvas. Can I really make a living doing this. Do i really want to keep on living is the question that I need to answer. I just do not want to exist anymore. I am tired. Have not been sleeping well. Maybe that is where all this negativity is coming from. Who knows. All I know is that I am just so tired and don't want to do any of this any more.

Day 564 - Oh Fuck it All

God, my every move in this house is being watched and known. I have to get out of here and I don't mean this house. I have got to get out of this life. It is just to fucking hard. I do not want to do this any more. What is the sense in trying when I don't know what the purpose is. Why am I just taking up space and oxygen? Yeah I know here I go again. Must be the full moon coming. Just keep on yaking about the same old same old. I don't know how to fix myself. Stay in my room today. Can't deal with the world. Have a f2f meeting tonight. Oh fuck it all.

Day 563 - And the verbal abuse continues.....

....was looking for the words. Daily verbal abuse. Nothing I can do about it. Makes her feel better I suppose, but still the words hurt. You are frustrated, I understand that. I am frustrated too. There is nothing I can do to make your life easier. This being a burden thing has me frustrated, depressed, hopeless. Almost like being in Boston. Yes, you saved my life, but for what? To be a whipping post for you. Yes, I know you don't mean it afterward, but I am hearing what you are saying. Hate your job? I know that, nothing I can do about it or anything.. Acceptance is suppose to be the key to my serenity. Hah....I have to accept the person, place, thing or situation in my life as the way it is suppose to be. I have no say in what direction my life takes. I just want to stop existing. Why the fuck am I here? God help me understand. Sometimes it is not so easy to accept things. Sigh...........

Day 562 - Told to Stop Counting the Days

I was told on another site that I should stop counting the days. Should I? Then how will I know how long I have been sober. It is 5 am in the morning and I can not sleep. Spending my days knitting scarfs. Getting ready for the mini show in Islamorada on December 6th. Things seem to be heading towards this arts and crafts things. God's will? Who knows. Brad is not working, putting stress on Lillie. My SS kicks in next month, will be an income for me. Hopefully I can contribute something toward living here. or should I say existing here. What is it that I want? Nothing is making me happy. What is it with me. The best part of the day is when I get to go to my room and shut the door. I don't know, just too tired to care.

Day 560 - What the Fuck am I doing?

God, why am I still here. Going on 4 months living here. Just plodding along. Just existing. Count the hours until I go to bed, hoping I do not get up. But I do. Then counting the hours that I have to get up and start the "show" all over again, until I can go back and retire to my room. Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it and it may not be what you wanted after all. What is it that I want? That would be nice to know. I have been trying for 62 years to figure that out. Another 20 years of this? I don't know.

Day 557 - Whatever

Yada, Yada, Yada....

Day 555 Kind of a Milestone

Triple 5's. LOL. Sober for another day. This not smoking thing is really hard. Should I twelve step that? Who knows. Right now I think I will take a walk up to the tobacco store after lunch and buy me a pack of cigarettes. The voices in my head won't stop. If I buy the cigarettes, will the voices start telling me to drink? I am really weired today!

Day 554 - I want a cigarette

Why was it quicker to quit drinking? When will this obsession to smoke leave me? I know all of the good reasons why I should not smoke, but when it comes right down to it I DO NOT WANT TO QUIT SMOKING. Do I need to hit a bottom on that too?

Day 553 / Day 21

553 days sober and 21 days smoke free (well a couple of drags of a cigarette here and there). Another Monday rolls around. We have legally set up our craft business. We applied for a limited liability company on Friday! We are now a legal entity. Too bad I really do not want to do this. It means a lot of hard work. I am already putting in sweat equity on this job with no pay at all. All I want to do is work for somebody, come home, sit in front of the TV and then go to bed. But, I don't think (actually I know it) that is what God has in mind for me. What I want and what I need or get are two different things. They say be careful what you wish for, you just may get it. Being in Florida is not all that what I expected it to be. Not really sure what I expected. Acceptance is the key to all my problems today. So the saying goes. It is just now noon time here and I have 10 more hours before I can come into this room and shut the door and call it a day. Kind of sad, don't you think?

Day 546 / Day 14 - Another Monday Arrives

feeling ungrateful today. I don't know why. Went to an online meeting this morning that started out unorganized. Tried to go with the flow, but just couldn't. Don't know what the fuck my problem is today. Just applied for a job this morning for a secretarial position. Do I want to work. Yes, but doing what. Right now I am just existing. Taking up space, air and food. I just do not want to exist. I do not want to think about anything anymore. Saturday made 2-years that my Mom has been dead. Have been kind of squirrelly since then. My sister is in a weird mood also. Any thing will set her off. Feel like I am walking on eggshells around her. Trying to tune out negativity, but sometimes that is hard to do. Been hiding out in my room this morning. Isolating I suppose. The best part of my day is 10 PM, when I can retire to my room, shut the door and then go to sleep. Unfortunately, I have been waking up in the middle of the night. Then I count the hours that I am suppose to get up. That is how I am spending my days one at a time. Counting the hours until I can go to my room and be alone and then time that I dreading the time that I have to get up and face the world. Have been doing this everyday for the last 3 months. Grateful for that I suppose. Just wish I knew what purpose I am serving. Who am I here to help? Yes, I am grateful to my sister for everything she has done for me. But I just can't explain the sadness, lonelienss, depression that I feeling. If my sister sees me crying, it turns into a shrink session. Every once in a while she brings up the past to rehash it. I don't want to forget the past, but I don't know I am just rambling on not making any sense. Maybe I will feel better if I type it out, maybe not.

Day 542 Sober

Day 10 smoke free. 3 months living in Key Largo. It is the same old story that I just can't bear to type again. Yada, Yada, Yada says it all. I am lucky I am living. Acceptance is the key to all my problems today. Got to keep on reciting the AA platitudes to myself. I think I have lost my mind.

Day 536 - I am going crazy

I want a cigarette so bad. This is worse than giving up drinking. I have ADD can not concentrate on any one thing today. I just wish I could fucking stop existing. I just can not stand it anymore!

Day 535 - Still Sober...

...but feeling depressed. So what else is new with me? Always looking for something to whine about. Wish I had some wine about. LOL. Making jokes. Trying to quit smoking. The problem there is I don't really want to quit smoking. But in more ways than one I must. I wont' go into the details. I have been doing that in my head for my whole life. Things just go round and round and round. I am so bored right now. I guess I should be thankful for that. If I were back in Boston I would probably be dead. I wish for being dead everyday, but yet I am still here. They tell me that I am exactly where I am suppose to be right now. For that I am thankful to my sister (God working through my sister?). My problem, as I have said in the past, is I want it all and I want it now. The biggest glitch in that is I don't know what it is that I want. Madee it through 535 days of sobriety, on Day 2 for not smoking. For what? Life sucks and then you die. What do I want to be when I grow up? Better make up my mind soon. I am at the other end of life's spectrum, not the beginning. To be or not to be? That is the question

Day 528 - Happy Birthday to Me

62 years old today. I share a birthday with John Lennon. He's dead. I'm not. Grateful? Should be.

Day 527 - Nothing to Say

Nothing.

Day 526 - Another Monday Rolls Around

Still no job opportunities in sight. Just another day in Paradise. Could be worse. Could be on the other side of the ground. Still hoping for that. Attending online meetings. Crocheting 18 hours a day. What could be better! I am not going to wish for anything anymore. Be careful for what you wish for they say. This is all just a jumbled mess that I am writing here. Am I happy? What is happy? I am just tired, but I just keep on plugging away.

Day 523 - Have I Made a Mistake....

...moving here? Why do I feel like such a loser? I just want to cry, cry, cry. What is it that is bothering me? Why do I feel like I have done something wrong? All I did today was let the dog out. She pooped in the back yard and then went crazy. The whole house is in chaos. That is what my sister said. Went out to have a cigarette, and Brad on phone asking someone(?) about internet charges. Then I come back into the house, he is in Lillie's office with the door closed. Discussing. Discussing what? Me? I know that the world does not revolve around me, but today I feel really off the beam shit. I don't know what it is that is making me feel unsettled. I am thinking the whole suicide thing over and over in my head. Not just today. Forever in the back of my mind. God, this is my life? I just can not keep on doing this. I just wish I could just disappear. I just wish I was never here. Going to the the dark place. I feel it coming. I don't know if I want to get out of the dark place this time.

Day 521 - I am so Bored

Wishing I had a job or making some kind of income. Brad is not doing well in the job department. He and my sister had a blow out this afternoon about that. I am staying in my room, out of the line of fire. Just checked my bank account. IRS has not seized that yet. Just waiting for the shoe the drop (so to speak). I just wish I could check out. I don't want to be here on this planet anymore. It is just too hard. Maybe I will take a nap and not wake up.

Day 519 - Another Monday Rolls Around

17 months sober yesterday. Still no job. Lillie comes back from Atlanta today. Survived the weekend with Brad. It went very well. It was a pleasant weekend all in all. Still no job. No income. God what am I going to do?

Day 513 - Today Makes 2 Months in Key Largo!!

I have been living here for 2 months now.  How is life going?  Don't know.  Some days are up and some days are down.  I still do not know what I want to be when I grow up.  Some days are trying and then some days are more trying.  I can not believe I have gone 513 continuous days without a drink!  A miracle!  Whoopie.  Who really cares.  Still trying to find my niche in life.  Just don't know what that is.  You would think after 62 years (on Oct 9th if I live that long) I would have at least a clue.

Some things are popping up that are starting to annoy me.  Just really minor stupid stuff that I should just let go.  I try to let go, but it still keeps coming up in my thoughts.  Some days I still have thoughts of doing away with myself.  They don't involve jumping in front of a subway train.  Now they are thoughts of walk into the Everglades with a gallon of vodka and passing out and having an aligator do the job. Or is it crocodiles here i the Everglade swamps?  Oh well, who really cares.

Day 507 - I am still here

but for what?  What is the purpose of my existence?

Day 506 - What am I doing?

God, what am I doing?  Waiting for answers from you.  What is your plan for me.  Is this all there is?  Tax man is coming after me, that I know.  Can not be avoided.  Need a job to pay the man.  Where is that job that I have been looking for since 2008?  Where?  Where?  Oh what the fuck, feeling the depression mood coming on and don't know how to keep it away.  That is coming too along with the tax man.  Oh boy!

Day 500 - Another Milestone Today

500 continuous days without alcohol!  Amazing.  Although, my sister (kidding I hope) asked me:  "Have you been drinking?"  Because I was acting weird (was depressed on Saturday) and the door to her liquor cabinet was slightly opened.  "Whose been in the liquor?" (or words to that effect).  I started to feel guilty, but then thought about it.  I did not have a drink.  I did not sneak a drink.  I know I did not and that is all that matters.  What other people may think or not think about me is none of my business.  I can not control what other people think, so I am not going to worry about that.  So there!

Day 497 - WOW Craigs List Here Sucks

I have never seen so many scam postings in my life!  That is one tool I will not be using to find a job.  In Boston, the scams were there, but nothing like down here.  I do not thing any legitimate business would post a job there.  Sheesh.  What am I going to do to earn some money (legally folks)??

Day 496 Forgetting My HP

He is in charge, not me.

Day 492 - No Job Yet

Applying for everything out there.  No responses yet.  No change from Boston.  Didn't hear from anyone there either.  Not many jobs here to apply to.  Need to go into business for myself.  Knitting and crocheting is what I would like to do.  But down here?

Need some transportation to get myself around.  Need to get back some of my own independence.  Walking around I can do, but to get to where I would like to go?  Everything is just too far away to walk.  Need to get some of my own money.  Need to pay back to those who have given to me.

I am just grateful right now for what I got.  Who knows what is in store for me.  Can always end it all.  That is always on option that is on my mind.  A permanent solution to a temporary problem?  I don't know.  My mind is all over the place.  Some things never change.

Day 491 - Blah

Feeling restless.  Need to do something, but what.  A job would be nice.  Then again.....

Day 488 - TGIF?

Would be if I had a job.  Oh well, so tired of whining about the same thing over and over.  I am giving myself a headache and agita.

Day 486 Yeah, I am Still Here

don't know what to do.

Day 484 Beginning of another work week...

...and still no job. This is driving me nuts. I know it is only a month since I have been in Key Largo, but I have been out of work since February. That short term assignment I had from April through June does not really count. Out of money, can't pay my cell phone bill. Will need to ask my sister. How can I? She has done so much for me already. I want to WORK. What the hell is wrong with me? Why won't anyone hire me? I can't even get a call back down here. God, I am slowly going insane. Even the dog is barking at me? Drinking will not solve the problem. Killing my self will. As the old cliche goes: that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Heard from Mike AA back in Boston. He and Mark AA are driving down to Key West on Thursday night. They are going to stop by here sometime on Saturday. Self hatred and negative thoughts are bouncing around in my head. I can not make the voices stop this morning. Killing myself will.

Day 483 Need a Job

Seriously, all I want is a simple job to pay for my meager bills. I am grateful for everything I have. God, is my having a job giving my life meaning? No job = suicide? What the fuck am I  doing here except sucking up air? No job = useless = suicide. God help me. Ran out of money. Sponging off of others. I am so morose today. Snap out if it!  Feeling sorry for myself.

Day 481 - I Need a Fucking Job!

Enough said.

Day 481 What am I doing Here?

I don't mean Florida. I mean what am I doing here on this planet? My depression is starting to come back. I don't know. Geographical change is not the answer. I am finding that out. What the fuck is wrong with me? God, is having a job really that important? I will never find the answer on how to fix myself. Some days I just wish I could just disappear. Key to Serenity: And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. Needed to be reminded of the above. Acceptance for me is everything.

Day 478 Still No Job

Well still no job. Moved down here and changed my whole life around. Acceptance. That is the key. Accept the things I can not change and courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Ha! Easier said than done. The one thing that I want and I think I need is a job. Not finding it here. I know it is almost a month that I have been here and I need to give it time. I would have been perfectly happy in Boston if I had a job. But I can not go back there. I am here in Florida. There is a plan in the works. I just don't know what that plan is. Everything happens for a reason. No coincidences in God's world. I don't know anything anymore. Just rambling here. I know that I am grateful to be here. If I stayed in Boston, I would be in a homeless shelter right now. Have to be grateful for what I have, not wishing for things that I don't. Still it is frustrating. I am human and I have feelings. Only a month and already starting to feel complacent. Need to stop that. Got to remember where I was and where I was headed. I am in a much better place right now.

Day 475 - Did I Make A Mistake?

Am I starting to regret moving here? I think so. Nothing I can do about that now. I am really having to humble myself now. I got up at 7 AM this morning. Wasn't sure to let the dog out or not. Did not want to upset her routine. She started barking and growling. I was told that is was OK to let her out of the cage. Lesson learned. Now my brother-in-law is aggrivated that the dog wants to go into the backyard. I go out there to smoke and the dog thinks that I her personal door opener. I can see where they are trying to teach her a routine. I don't know it. It is going to be the little things like this that are going to drive me nuts. I am trying to be not intrusive as possible. I wish I had a job. That would get me out of here and out of everyone's way.

Day 472 - What to Do

Need a job. My same old song and dance. Changing locations has not changed that old broken record. God it is hot here. Have to stay inside where it is cool. Remember the serenity pray: accept the things I can not change. My emotions have been all over the place. Missing Boston, not missing Boston. First I am up and then I am down. My bills have followed me here. Going to take a walk, but it is so hot and those mosquitoes are terrible. Yes, I know whine, whine, whine, whine. Need to get it off my plate somehow. I do not need to build resentments. Not use to this dependency thing. So far, I have not gotten on anyone's nerves. I think my sister is trying to make me happy. She keeps asking me if I am ok. It is not her job to make me happy. I am happy, but I am feeling restless. Today makes 21-days that I have been here. The routine has been set in motion. I am once again rambling all over the place. I am grateful for everything that I have. Do not know what I want. Never did know what I wanted. Probably never will. Oh well.

Day 471 Feeling a Bit Strange Today

I am not sure what is going on with me. Just feeling strange. Restless is more like it. I want to do something and then I do not want to do anything. My mail from Boston is starting to arrive. The real world is catching up with me. Bills, bills and more bills. All I want to do is smoke cigarettes. The thoughts of drinking keep coming into my head. I am just rambling here. Maggie is back from Doggie day care. She has been unusually quiet. Well that is all for now. I am even to restless to even ramble on here. God what do I want to be when I grow up? Will I ever grow up? Peter Pan Syndrome.

Day 470 - Nothing Much to Say Today

....very tired today. Job hunting, so the beat goes on.

Day 469 Adjustments, Adjustments

Well the trip to Key West was a trip. Two and half hours down and two and half hours back. It was a hot, long day. Lillie complained all day long. So did I and so did Brad. Did nothing but eat or should I say, God love him, did Brad eat. For a skinny guy, that man can eat. Good for him. We walked up and down and saw all of the vendors at the Lobster Festival. It was the usual arts and crafts: jewelry, food, and more food. Lillie got excited about some photo frames we saw. She is going to try to attempt to make them. We are looking for something to sell at a fair. Myself, I can seem to focus on what to sell. I am settling into some sort of routine. I have my little room here and my computer. Grateful for little things. I am grateful for everything that I do have. I am trying not to build resentments. I know I am not back in Boston. I do miss the freedom of doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to, but I do not have that luxury right now. I guess I miss my independence more than I miss Boston. I am going to have to adjust to that for now. Things do change. Boy do things change. I just do not want to become a burden to anyone. I just love going out into the backyard to just sit, breathe and think/meditate. My little friends, the salamanders, the butterflies, and the squirrels just wandering around. Maggie is at doggie day care and I miss her not sitting with me there. Funny how quickly you can grow attached to someone like a dog. Who would of thought. Those dam mosquitoes just spoil the whole thing. Can't stay out too long or they will bite you to death. I guess I am just rambling here. Not making any sense. But this is the only place that I can let my thoughts go without any judgement or comments from anyone. A way to let my resentments go.

Day 468 - Going to Key West Today

We are heading for Key West today. Love that place. Especially the sunset at Mallory Square. I think we are going to be checking out the Arts & Crafts show to see what we can incorporate in our business. I would really like to get that business off the ground running. I was going to write something negative about that, but I am not going to. Must be positive. Went to my AA meeting last night at the Rusk Club. I think I found my new home group. Brad, Lillie and I went to the Sons and Daughters of Italy Club last night to play bingo. Brad won $10. I did have fun. I almost won. Then we went to Category 3 for dinner. Came home. I was in bed by 11. Did not sleep much. Twist and turned all night. I have not had a good night's sleep in over a year. Gee, I wonder why.

Day 467 - TGIF! Yahoo!!

Today will be 17 days in Florida! But who is counting? LOL. Getting ready for an 8 am online AA meeting. I do miss my Boston AA meetings. Not as home sick as I thought I would be. We went to my Sister's home owners meeting last night. When we came back, Maggie the dog, chewed into the crocheting that I was working on. The piece couldn't be saved. At first I was upset at first, but tried not to show it. I was not the dog's fault. I should not have left it on the sofa for her to get at it. She was only being herself. That is what dogs do. They chew things. I just let it go, what purpose would it have served to get angry over it. None.

Day 466 - Will Wonders Never Cease

Good news: got my laptop back up and running. Had to reformat the hard drive in order to do it. Bad news: I lost all of my files and all of the software that I had installed. Well I guess I can't have it all. Just have to recreate or reinstall everything. Another good thing is that I have most of my files on my flash drive. I took a walk yesterday to the Circle K gas station to buy cigarettes (yeah, I know I need to quit). It was about 1.6 miles to and from home and took me about 45-minutes to walk it. It was really hot at that time of the day (around 2:30 PM). I need to do it either early in the morning or later in the day when it is not so hot. I heard back from Gil from the State job board. He said that there is an opening for an office manager at the Vocational Rehab in the building that he is working in. He is going to submit my resume and try to get me an interview. I also applied for a clerical job up at Ocean Reef (North Key Largo, where I am told all of the rich people live). We will see where that goes. Gil told me that it is not unusual down here to not hear back from any of the jobs that I apply to.

Day 465 Still Looking for a Job

Sounds like the mantra I sang back in Boston. I knew it was going to be tougher to finding a job here in Key Largo. Unemployment rate is at 11% here. Why do I feel like such a loser that I can not support myself? I am trying to look on the positive side of things. I am now living in a beautiful part of the world with a family that loves me. Oh, I know they love me! I was slowly dying in Boston. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and a clean place to sleep. Got to keep remembering to be thankful for the things that I have. I wanted the simple life, well now I have it. I just do not want to be a burden to anyone. I want to make my contribution.

Day 465 "Stuff" is Here

Well most of all my stuff made it to Florida. Even my broke laptop. Only one thing did not make it and that was a small rattan bookcase. No big loss. We spent most of the day watching them unload the truck and putting it into storage. Thankful for small things. Went to my second AA meeting at First Baptist Church last night. This meeting is not for me. It is mostly bible thumping and that seems too much for me. I am not being critical of the meeting. It is just not for me. The religious thing kept me away from AA for a long time. I think this type of meeting will send me back to drinking. Today is Tuesday. Will be looking for a job. The thing I really want, I can't seem to get. But, who am I to complain. I am being blessed every single day. I just can not believe how happy I am even without a job. Things will work out. Not to the way I would like it to be, but it will work out.

Day 464 My "Stuff" Made It To Florida

We got a call from the movers yesterday. My "stuff"  from Boston will be arriving today between 10 and 12. Will be curious how much of my stuff made it down here.

I have about 12 feet of belongings. The moving company said that it wlll be arriving on an 18-wheeler. That may be problem. The storage place said they could only accommodate a 24 foot truck. Brad took a ride out to the storage place and spoke with someone there. There shouldn't be a problem they said. We shall see. Any way you look at it, it means more money.

Day 463 Today Makes 11 Days

...that I have been in Key Largo. I still can't wrap my head around that I am living here. I am not going back to Boston.

Yestersday, we went up to Kendell to get Brad some glasses. It turned out to.be an all day affair.  All three of us got new glasses.

Still trying to find my way to fit in around here. I know it is only 11 days. I am still feeling like I don't belong.

I am trying to fit into the AA network down here. I have found meetings on Monday and Fridays that I like. Need to keep attending them to make friends. I need to get in touch with some of my Boston friends today to let them know I landed safely and that I am still sober.

Day 461 - Don't Know What to Say Today

Thoughts of Boston come creeping in to my head, but not in the way I expected. I still can't believe that I am in Key Largo. it all seems like a dream. Well back to the job boards for this morning. Then this afternoon more research on the crafting business.

Day 460 Still Grateful

Grateful. That above all things, I am grateful. To be alive, to be living in a fantastic part of the world. I am not going to complain or whine about anything if I can help it. I am human and will feel emotions. Looking for a job. But that was the same story in Boston. I think it is going to be a little harder down here to find a job. The unemployment rate is higher here. Like I said before. My full time job is to look for a job. I am really doing it half heartedly. I don't think I want to work in an office anymore. Need to find something to generate some income, but what? My sewing, and knitting, and crocheting would be ideal. Can I really make a living doing that? They say find a job that you love and you will not feel like you are working. I am going to do some research into trying to break into that field. After all, I did move 1,500 miles. Now is the time to start a new career!

Day 459 - Today Makes it One Week in Key Largo

Wow! 7-days have passed! I am still here and the world keeps on turning. The world will keep on turning whether or not I am here. Went to the career counselor yesterday. Met with Gil. Put me up on a positive note. Hope I can keep the positive momentum going. I applied for 2 jobs through the State agency. Hoping for the best. Must keep looking though. My full time job for now is to find a job. I do not want to wear out my welcome here. Right now all of this is new for me, my sister and brother-in-law. I know I am adapting and they are adapting to me. I am sure having me here has been a hugh adjustment for them. I am trying to stay out of their way as much as possible. I just do not want to be a burden to them or to anyone. Thank God for my sister! She has saved my life. I do not know how I can ever repay her and Brad.

Day 458 Trying to Find My Place

I am still feeling like a visitor here. I think it is bothering my sister. I really haven't unpacked my suitcase yet. Perhaps I will do that today. I applied to 3 jobs yesterday. I have not checked out the job listings for today yet. I have an appointment with a career counselor at a State job board this afternoon. The one thing that I have feared has come true: there isn't any real public transportation to get around Key Largo. I did not want to be come dependent on people to get me to and from places, but I will adapt to that and figure it out. Otherwise, everything else is working out well. Too well, my fear of the other shoe dropping will not go away. Need to build my self confidence and trust that the Lord has me here for a reason. The biggest challenge today will be to cross Highway 1 on foot to get across the street to my appointment with the career counselor this afternoon.

Day 457 Fustration

I know I am getting frustrated. All of my stuff is in transit and I am "borrowing" everything. I am not complaining. i will get used to it. I have to get use to it. I do not have a choice. Just thinking what my alternatives could have been (homeless shelter or dead), I have no right to complain. I am truly grateful to be here in Key Largo alive and living with my sister. Just trying to make it one day at a time. Grateful for what I have and not wishing for things i do not have.

Day 456 Key Largo Is My Home

Everything is going smoothly. It scares me. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Can't believe how happy I am. I have no material wealth, but I am blessed beyond words.

I now have a  Florida driver's license, registered to vote. Doing things a little bit at a time. I am truly appreciating what I have. I am truly grateful for the simple things.

Thy will, not mine, be done.

Day 453 Made it to Key Largo!

Made it safely to Key Largo. My new home. Lillie showed me around a little yesterday. May be spending today to set up my Florida identity.

Day 452 The Day Is Here!

I can't believe that this day has finally arrived! Tonight I will be sleeping in Key Largo.

Movers showed up at 8:30. By 12:30 everything was packed up and loaded on the truck. My "stuff" is now on its way to Key Largo. Hopefully it will get there at some point.

We could not get hotel room for last night.  So Lillie and I spent my last night in Boston sleeping on a mattress on the floor of the apartment. It was not too bad. Actually kind of fun. Gave us a chance to bond and get closer. I am so grateful for her. She is saving my life.

Well we are on a 5 pm flight. The weather is picture perfect. God is with us. What could be better?

I really moving!

Tomorrow is the beginning of my new life!

Day 451 Moving Day!

Waiting for the movers to show up! 8:37am not here yet.

Movers here at 9 am. They are shrink wrapping all of thefurniture. Wonder how longt they will take.

Day 450 Oh Oh A Wrinkle in the...

...ointment. Can't find a hotel room for our last night in Boston. What is going on in this town? No rooms to be had at any price within a twenty mile radius.  I think we may be sleeping on the floor tomorrow night!

Day 449 Busy Packing Up

Lillie arrived safely. We have been busy packing up my apartment and gettng rid of more stuff. It is more like letting go of stuff. Looking at the boxes, the last 62 years have been reduced to 35 boxes. But that is OK. It is just things. I would have preferred to walk away and leave it all behind. I have no material things and yet I have so much to be grateful for. I have God, AA, my sister, and true friends.  I have never been so happy in my life.  All of this does not comprehend in my head. I am always looking for the other shoe to drop. I can not wait to get to Florida.

Day 445 Lillie Arrives Today!

Day 444 It I really happening

I am going to be moving to Florida in  8 days! It is not going to hit me until Lillie gets here tomorrow. Why am always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Always have this feeling of impending doom?

Day 443 Miracles

They do happen! Thank you God for all your miracles. I am really blessed.

Day 442 Time is Speeding up.

Lillie will be here in 3 days! Still so much shit to get rid of. Running out of time. Procrastinating. 5 sylable word for sloth.

Day 440 Why do bad things...

...happen to good people?  No answer to that question. Look for the blessings. Eaiser said than done.

Day 439 Last Night's Meeting Was Distirbing

Don't know what was up. Meeting are getting crowded. Main purpose is to stop drinking, not to use it for my own personal agenda. Some people forget that. Me included.

Day 438 Feeling nothing

Que sera, sera

Day 437 - 15 more days..

...to Key Largo. Must not project too much into the future. Just have to make it through the next 24-hours doing the best I can and as much as I can.

Day 436 I am still here

In 16 days, I will be moving to Key Largo. My life as I have known it for the past 62 years will be changed forever.

Day 435, yes still here.

So tired of listening to myself. I just want the voices in my head to stop. To stop thinking about me.

Day 430 Still Here on this Planet

Back to killing myself is back on the table. Why do I keep thinking about that? WTF? Maybe because every time I turn around I bump into a disaster of my own creation?

HALT. Took care of hunger.. AL can control.  T lay down. No calvary coming to my rescue. No Lillie is. Need to grow up.

Day 429 Still here Still Sober

What is there to say. I am so tired. of hearing myself whine. Looks like I am really moving to Florida with Lillie. Thank you God for her. I am going to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

I have a love hate with this phone.

Different Day, Different Outlook

Fuck this app.

What the fuck next?

Mircrowave decided to stop working today. All I want to do is fix my miserable life. Why can't I catch a break? All I want is a simple ljfe and a simple job. God where THE FUCK ARE YOU? I do not have the strength of Job.

Here it is, another rejection letter

I want to kill myself!

> Dear  Chikky.

> It has been a real pleasure speaking with you to discuss your background and interest in the Part-time position at XXX and I'd like to thank you for taking the time to interview with us this week. We had several highly qualified candidates apply for the position and although it has been a difficult decision we have chosen to pursue another candidate whom we believe most closely matches the job requirements.

> We do thank you for your interest in XXXX and we wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

> Again, thank you for your time.

In other words, old.

TGIF? I am still here.

I am still here. Day 426 sober. 20 to 30 more years of misery?  That is just too overwhelming to think about. I have been given today. Let's see what that will bring. 

Today I am suppose to hear back from XXX "either way." I think I am used to rejection. The letters that say: "Thank you for applying for the position, BUT we have selected another candidate that best meets our needs. Good luck in the future." Does every HR department use the same rejection template? These letters don't bother me as much as they use to (ok, sometimes they do).

Got up at 5 am today. Threw out 5 bags of trash. The trash pickers were out there last night. As usual, the bags are all ripped up. News will be getting out that there is more trash than usual going on at 12 Margaret Street. Even trash pickers have a route and a network. Especially so at the end of the month.

I can't believe I am moving to Florida!  It hasn't really sunk in yet. Thank God for Lillie. I really don't want to leave here.  I have been here for going on 62 years come this October. Time for a change. Scarry times ahead. Fear of the unknown. Vaya con Dios.

Yada Yada Yada

yeah I know the same old shit. I so tired of listening to myself whine.  I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

Jesus, the voice thing on this app does not work!

God, I heard you.

Was not what I wanted to hear, but I must and will accept it. You have been talking to me all along. I just was not hearing you. I am listening now.

I am so tired - Update

Have an interview today. I have no hopes and no expectations. Been up since 3 am. Now I want to sleep.

Another day of misery.

Well that is another job I will not be getting.  Did not ask for references.

Also did not get the temp assignment for a month long gig.

DEAR SWEET JESUS!  WTF!!!!!!!!

KILL ME NOW!!  This is your will?!!

Day 422

I am still here and still sober. I want to go out and drink, but it will not make the world go away. I keep praying for a miracle. Blind faith? I give up at the end of each day. Then I wake up to a new day and the same things start all over again. I feel like I am living in the Groundhog's Day movie. I am still sober through all of this shit that I am trying to get through.  422 days without a drink! Now that is truly a miracle! I really get to FEEL the pain. Can't run away from it. No matter where I go, there I am along with the big bag of shit I am destined to carry. I have to learn how to enjoy pain!

Still here, still sober

Still miserable.

This says it all for me

With the exception of my family (my sister), this is exactly how I feel:

http://www.prlog.org/11218799-im-so-tired-of-being-tired.html

God, I know you are there.

Giving me answers I don't want to hear. Help me listen and and accept your answers. Thy will, nit mine, be done.

Too Old to Work Too Young to Die

What the fuck am I suppose to do? Guess if I kill myself it would answer my question. I must be sundowning. Feeling depressed.  What the fuck is the point. Life sucks and then you die.

God where are you?

Why can't I hear you?

I just want to kill myself

but don't have the guts to do it. What the fuck is up with all this bad karma? Who the fuck or what the fuck did I do in my previous life?  Do I have to endure this.  Why can't I catch a break. Be grateful for what I have? Keep taking what fucking little that I do have. I am just so angry right now. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

Just threw out 4 bags

Of trash. Did't even put a dent in the crap I have. How am I ever going to be ready to move to Florida. I really don't want to move there, but that seems like my only option other than being homeless.

God what next?

The hits keep coming. The computer what the fuck next?  Oh I know, the gas is going to get shut off. Got nothing much more you can take. Keep letting me wake up for more misery. What fucking lesson to I need to be taught today?

God give me strength

Am I doing the right thing?

Day 411

God, whatever you have planned for me today, help me get through it. Without you and my sobreiety, who knows.

I am still fucking here.

God, how long do I have to pay for my past sins?  Just kill me now! I am losing everything. So what is the point.  I will not survive the streets.

Day 408! Amazing!

That is an accomplishment!  HP working?  Wish I could apply that powe to the rest of my life. I just do not know how to fix this mess.  I need to someone or somerhing to tell me what to do.  I am to obtuse to see opportunitues that are even standing right in front if me jumping up and down waving a HELLO signs.  GOD help me.

Thank you God.

I am truly humbled and grateful today.

Here it is...5 am

And I am trolling Craig's List for a job.  Any job! ALL I WANT IS A F..KING JOB!!! What do I have to do to earn a living wage!

Another day, another no dollar

Trying to change my attitude.  Caught myself this morning almost going into the "woe is me" and over the cliff mode.  Was able to calm myself down.  Found myself practicing the 11th step prayer.  Comforting others.  Go figure.  I am also finding that I am noticing the steps in other people, places, and things.  This women just showed up in my hospital room with a nebulizer.  Told me it was a gift showed me how to use it and then left. Who was that.

Going to make a followup appointment with my Pcp after this.

Day 404 What will today bring?

Dear God, thy will be done. Give me the strength to carry it out. Do the next right thing.  Help me to say and do what it is your will.

Day 403

What is keeping me sober?  HP must be it.  Will I ever get out of the mess I am in?

God, where are you?

Why can't I hear you?  I give up.  I can't fight it any more. Just want peace.

Another day in paradise

I get another 24 hours of insanity.  Another groundhog day for me.  Oh boy, can hardly wait to get started!

Da 380 without a drink....

....what is the purpose?  My life is fucking miserable! Did better drunk.  No job, no money, no hope and soon to be homeless.

Poor, poor me.

What's the f**king point!!!

All I need..

Is  just the simple life...my God and my sobriety, this apt, cable, enough to eat, a little dog, a job.  Except for God, not necessarilly in that order.

I give up!

I am done fighting and trying and getting nowhere.  No more expectations, no more disappointments.

If I get one more call from a staffing agency....

...i am going to kill myself!  How do they exist?!!!!!

Taking today off.

Taking a mental health break today! To tired to even try. Going to take a nap.  Maybe not get up

I just want to sleep

For a little while

Hell

God kill me now!!!

God you are killing me

I believe!  I am learning patience!  Don't know how much longer I am going to keep my sanity!

LET IT GO!!

look at it as a lesson learned.  that was a crazy place anyhow. Notmeant to be.

Promises?

Take nothing for granted!

God..you really are killing me here..

...got to laugh.  Slowly driving me mad.  Lol.  Getting ready to jump over the edge!!

f*** it

back on the search.

Weird Couple of Days

and it is only Tuesday.

God He Me

One way or another, today is the day.

Step 3 - Let Go Let God

Day 358.  A miracle?  Still here sober.  Stop thinking about me.

Oh sucky day, oh sucky day

Off to a meeting.  Great thing.  Today just may be the day I get drunk and end it all.

Is it me?

Over 10K MP's, Staties, and local police looking for this animal and they can't find him?  God bless them.  It sure isn't from a lack of trying.  They are looking under every rock this creep could possibly crawl under.  Someone has to be aiding and abetting this POS!

GOD, please end this

all around nightmare!

God, stop this anxiety!

Give me patience!!!

God thank you for every thing!

Your will, not my will, be done.  I am alive.  Thanks.  Some times it takes awhile for me to get it.

My world..

Last look at it?

Talk about mood swings

Going from killing myself to blah in just a few mjnutes.

Fuck

PATIENCE!!!

God, where are you.

Where?  Hope?

Arrrgh!!!! Staffing agencies...

...spamers to the unemployed!!!!

I woke up today

Miracle or another day in hell?  When will this nightmare end? 

Did not ask for my references after yesterday's interview.  Not a good sign. 

Fuck it all.

God grant me the serenity..

..to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can, and the ability to know the difference.  Your will, not mine, be done!

Post 3 - God kill me now!

I can not wake up from this njghtmare that is my life.

Post Part 2 - TODAY IS THE DAY!

TODAY IS THE DAY!  TODAY IS THE DAY!  TODAY IS THE DAY!  TODAY IS THE DAY!  TODAY IS THE DAY!  TODAY IS THE DAY!  TODAY IS THE DAY!  TODAY IS THE DAY! 

Help me to let go and let God!

Help Me To Let Go, and Let God

Dear Lord, Help me to let go and let You. Urge me to let go of my impatience and to open my heart to Your Loving Patience.

Teach me how to let go of my pompous attitude in thinking I'm the only one capable of solving all of my problems. Counsel me on how to let go of my cares, my worries and the noises in my life ...and to let You surround me with Your Tranquil Assurances of my comfort.

Encourage me to let go of my selfishness and let You show me the benefit of praying for others who seek Your Protection, Your Healings, Your Forgiveness, Your Compassion and Your Rainbows after raging storms.

Remind me, Lord, of the Holy Benefits when I let go and let You lead me on Your Path. Smile with me, Lord, when I finally let go and let You take over. Nod Your Head in Sanctified Approval when I let go of my follies and let You replace them with positive goals in my life.

Amen. Glory, Honor and Praise to You, Lord, forever and ever.

How long is this dark tunnel?

Will I ever see the light at the end of it?  God are you there?  I sure Dear God hope that yoi are.  Trying to keep the faith.  Show me that there is hope.  It has been some journey these last 345 days.  Help me to stay strong and not despair too much.

I think I am losing my mind?

Or having a nervous breakdown!  What's the difference.

Looks like another day in Paradise!

I woke up this  morning.  Guess that is a miracle.  Another day to chase down a job.  Oh joy.

GOD please..

Make me say and do the right things today.  Do no harm to others.  Thank you.

Life is a journey..

...so they say.  Where am I traveling today?  God's plan, not mine.  I am done fighting whatever it is.  DONE. 

I Just Can't Believe This Is My Life!

What am I going to do?  God help me.  Has it come down to either robbing a bank or killing myself?  I just can not believe it!

Your Will Is mt will

Do with me what you will.  Whatever you have planned for me today, I accept it. I am done fighting.

Happy Easter!

A new beginning?  Could be if I did the work.  Problem is what is the work.

Another Sucky Day

Went to 3 meetings today.  Still in the same boat.  Don't know how to fix this mess that is my so called life.  Keep running into walls that I can not break through.  Maybe just ending it all is the answer.  I am just so tired and weary.  I am stuck and do not know what to do.

FUCK FUCJ

At thw end of my rope.  God show me a sign to hang on! Don't know what to do. Faith is not paying the bills.  I can't believe this is my life.  How did I end up here. Can't even escape in sleep.  God, if you are there, please let me in on the secret.

The Silence is Deafening!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

God, please help me. A job

Do not want to be a loser/schulmp

I am fucked!!

Going to end up homeless.  Might as well kill myself now.

LIFE SUCKS

I guess I awoke to another day in Paradise!  Doing sucky.  I am frustrated,  depressed, stressing all over the place.  Can't sleep,  it is freeking cold.  Can't even get a job cleaning toilets.  Over qualified for every thing.  In other words I am old.  Receiving $35 a week from unemployment.  Some thing is wrong there.  Now will have to spend the day fixing that.  One good thing is that I am still sober!  I don't know how or why.   Aren't you glad you asked?  Oh well another day of trudging on slaying dragons.